{"id":5780,"date":"2018-06-19T10:39:49","date_gmt":"2018-06-19T14:39:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5780"},"modified":"2018-07-16T13:21:35","modified_gmt":"2018-07-16T17:21:35","slug":"attachment-wound-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5780","title":{"rendered":"Attachment Wound"},"content":{"rendered":"

Attachment wound \u2014 so deeply buried that it\u2019s out of experience
\n\u2014 absence of that felt sense of support
\nnow \u2014 felt sense of internal conversation \u2014 in there to be drawn upon
\nSomething going on \u2014 let\u2019s sit down and talk about it \u2014
\nother attitude \u2014 rigid judgement \u2014 misrepresentation
\nWhen what\u2019s needed is a change of belief \u2014 Byron Katie\u2019s process works
\nIf I take that system away I disappear
\nI exist in relationship by belief that I\u2019m defective
\nBaby \u2014 utter annihilation \u2014 doesn\u2019t show up as belief
\nKatie doesn\u2019t acknowledge the power of the felt sense.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

These are notes from a session with Erica on Tuesday, May 18.\u00a0 I am just typing them up and am struck by the power of what is said here.\u00a0 I sometimes have a hard time understanding what she\u2019s talking about so I try to take careful notes.\u00a0 Going back and typing it, I begin to have a sense of the depth and strength of the damage. \u00a0I\u2019ve always known that Byron Katie\u2019s process doesn\u2019t work for me<\/a>.\u00a0 \u201cWho would you be if you didn\u2019t believe that?\u201d\u00a0 Nothing happens for me.\u00a0 Something did happen, three times in the past, that I remember because they made such a big shift in my consciousness.<\/p>\n

The first time was when I came to Feminism.\u00a0 I thought I didn\u2019t need feminism because I was wealthy and well-educated.\u00a0 But one day \u2014 this was when I was living in the Zen House in Arlington Massachusetts \u2014 I dreamed of Lesbians.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how I knew to not start worrying (or rejoicing) that maybe I was one, instead I saw it as what I now know was correct \u2014 a desire to explore my own feminine nature.\u00a0 I took the bus to Harvard Square, went into the bookstore and straight to the shelf of women\u2019s books.\u00a0 I pulled out a book called \u201cWomen & Madness<\/a>,\u201d read the first couple of pages, bought it, sat down in Passim with a coffee and almost finished it.\u00a0 I exploded with anger \u2014 I had bought the belief that women were second class.\u00a0 I had in fact identified as a man.\u00a0 I think that was partly a consequence of having gone to a girl\u2019s prep school and a women\u2019s college \u2014 I wasn\u2019t competing with men, and didn\u2019t have to pretend I was dumb.\u00a0 I remember thinking that \u201cthey\u201d were interested in clothes and dates, while I was interested in the things of the intellect.\u00a0 I identified with \u201cman\u201d in so far as \u201cman\u201d meant \u201cpeople.\u201d\u00a0 as in \u201cMan studied the universe…\u201d\u00a0 So I converted instantly to being a fairly fierce feminist.\u00a0 I even knew that it was a mistake to aspire to male values, that women had values that I saw were better than masculine ones (as simple as caring for people instead of competing with them) but were not valued in our patriarchal society.\u00a0 I had seen after I graduated that I was up against problems of being in relationship that my intellect couldn\u2019t solve for me, I had been in therapy.\u00a0 As soon as I saw the belief I dropped it.\u00a0 In this case Byron Katie\u2019s process worked.<\/p>\n

The second time this happened was when I was in a therapy group after I had bought my house in Brunswick Maine.\u00a0 I had decided that my life was too flat as it was and I needed to be using my intellect.\u00a0 I wanted to take a course in Geology \u2014 I had started taking geology classes when I was in a Master\u2019s in Teaching Program at Stanford.\u00a0 There were no courses in High School in Astronomy, so I was advised to get my degree in earth science.\u00a0 Here I was in California in the 60\u2019s, starting to see the world differently, and of course I dropped out.\u00a0 Now, I wanted to go back to school at Bowdoin and take a geology course,\u00a0 but I wasn\u2019t managing to go and register.\u00a0 Someone in the therapy group asked \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you?\u201d and the sentence came out of my mouth:\u00a0 \u201cIf I actualize myself by getting a PhD, I will be so threatening that no man will ever marry me, and my life will be wasted.\u201d\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know what I was going to say until it was out of my mouth, and I saw instantly the absurdity of \u201cIf I actualize myself … my life will be wasted.\u201d\u00a0 The next day, I went and registered for the course.\u00a0 Little knowing that the Universe had other plans for me.\u00a0 See \u201cHow I got to Stonehenge Again<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n

The third time was after \u201cJourney Into Courage<\/a>\u201d when I wanted to write a book about cutting myself and realizing it was a response to having been abused as a child.\u00a0 I was calling it \u201cWritten in Blood<\/a>\u201d and creating it out of passages from my journal.\u00a0 I was having a very hard time editing it.\u00a0 It seems very odd to me now, that at the time I had no idea why I cut myself, except that it was a response to childhood abuse.\u00a0 In my script<\/a> for Journey I said \u201cIt feels like there\u2019s some evil demon inside me.\u00a0 How can I get it out?\u00a0 I know, I\u2019ll take this razor blade…\u201d\u00a0 That was the best I could do at the time.\u00a0 Since doing the work with Erica, I have been able to understand that it had to do with creating a real wound with real blood, since my emotional pain was invisible to me.\u00a0 Blood validated that I was hurting.\u00a0 Because I was struggling, my then husband asked \u201cIf you published a book, what would you have?\u201d\u00a0 Again a totally unexpected sentence came out of my mouth: \u201cIf I published a book, it would prove that I deserve to live, even though my parents were disappointed in me.\u201d\u00a0 The whole motivation for creating the book dropped away.\u00a0 It felt like a huge part of my life fell into the abyss.\u00a0 I thought I might even stop writing every day, but I didn\u2019t, it was too much established as a practice.\u00a0 But I did stop typing up my journals.\u00a0 This was in 1995, and I didn\u2019t start typing again until 2000, and at that time it was only the guidance passages.\u00a0 In about 2003 I started typing up more of what I had written.\u00a0 Once I began the blog, my journal provided raw material, and I started typing up most of it.<\/p>\n

I realize that this third time was not quite like the other two.\u00a0 I stopped working on the book, seeing the belief that if I published it, I would gain something worthwhile, and recognizing the idiocy of the belief.\u00a0 What it didn\u2019t do was eliminate the profound belief that I didn\u2019t deserve to live, and I continued to push myself out of that motive, but without naming it to myself.\u00a0 It\u2019s not a belief that functions, it\u2019s a felt bodily sense of worthlessness, and since the felt sense<\/a> is how I know something is true, that was not a belief but a truth about me.<\/p>\n

This is why, when I was in a state of blind terror, I would say to myself: \u201cThe thing you are afraid of really happened, but it was in the past.\u00a0 It\u2019s not happening now.\u00a0 Mother is dead, she can\u2019t hurt you any more.\u201d\u00a0 It gave me an intellectual context to frame my feelings, but it didn\u2019t stop the feeling.<\/p>\n

My best description of why I cut myself is in the entry about the “Grandmother Patches<\/a>.” \u00a0Since it’s a long post, you may want to go down to the WHO IF patch.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Attachment wound \u2014 so deeply buried that it\u2019s out of experience \u2014 absence of that felt sense of support now \u2014 felt sense of internal conversation \u2014 in there to be drawn upon Something going on \u2014 let\u2019s sit down … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,11,16,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5780","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-present-day","category-story","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5780","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5780"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5780\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5780"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5780"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5780"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}