Woke up scared.\u00a0 Still feeling a little activated, a kind of buzzing in my stomach.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure part of it was that I took Mocha to the vet, and she had two vaccinations: distemper and Lyme.\u00a0 Yesterday she was very lethargic and not at all interested in food, which they said was likely, but it really made me feel scared.\u00a0 The other thing was I emailed my realtor yesterday saying I was ready to sell the house and she called back so we talked about it.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t like being activated.\u00a0 It\u2019s very uncomfortable.\u00a0 I asked myself what I\u2019m afraid of.\u00a0 Mostly afraid of making a mistake.\u00a0 Behind the fear of making a mistake is the fear that I will be thrown out and not be taken care of.\u00a0 This fear is from when I was an infant left alone and afraid no one would ever come and that would mean I would die.\u00a0 As a baby, I didn\u2019t have those words, just a feeling of desperation and that I had done something \u201cwrong\u201d \u2014 I had no idea what \u2014 and that something catastrophic was going to happen as a result.\u00a0 This is trauma, when the reptilian brain stem concludes that you will die.\u00a0 As a baby, I couldn\u2019t fight or flee, so my system would have gone into default mode, that is, freeze.<\/p>\n
I had to sit myself down and remind me that in the long run there is no catastrophic mistake I can make.\u00a0 How much money I eventually get for the house doesn\u2019t matter.\u00a0 I\u2019m taken care of, here at Kendal, until I die.\u00a0 Writing it down I feel a level of comfort I didn\u2019t feel when I was trying to convince myself.\u00a0 It\u2019s true, I am taken care of.\u00a0 It\u2019s really amazing how much that helps.\u00a0 So much gratitude to the rich people here who make it possible.\u00a0 I wish I could also believe that I\u2019m held in the hands of god.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s too bad, Mocha having a bad reaction to the vaccinations.\u00a0 I was feeling fairly solid and clear about selling the house, but worry about Mocha \u201cknocked me off my perch.\u201d\u00a0 Interesting phrase.\u00a0 The suggestion that I had got \u201ctoo big for my britches\u201d and needed \u201ctaking down.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s all the remains of Mother\u2019s conditioning.\u00a0 She thought that way \u2014 \u201cthinking you\u2019re so great\u201d \u2014 I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever made that judgement of anyone else, or wanted to bring someone \u201cdown.\u201d\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t thinking I was \u201cgreat,\u201d I\u2019m not even sure there was any sense of \u201cgood for me.\u201d\u00a0 Just relief at having been able to take a step, a necessary step to clean up unfinished business.<\/p>\n
Her conditioning still affects me, part of what happens to a child of an alcoholic, and I can see it and mostly don\u2019t believe it now.\u00a0 I was also taught to believe that money was more important than my comfort or happiness.\u00a0 What makes these conditionings very hard to undo is that they happened to a child who was already traumatized and so they could trigger the absolute desperation of PTSD.<\/p>\n
To try to help myself, I went back to the most recent time (February 2017<\/a>) I wrote for guidance.\u00a0 This is what was said:<\/p>\n Divine Process, please help me.\u00a0<\/em> \u00a0 I am with you all the time, even though you can\u2019t feel my presence.\u00a0 I love you very much and I feel your pain.\u00a0 You are doing very well with this extremely hard task.\u00a0 You are actually healing a very deep and wounded part of yourself.\u00a0 You are with her as I am with you.\u00a0 I know you are scared and angry that you are not \u201cgetting anywhere.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s not about \u201cgetting\u201d somewhere, it\u2019s about being present.\u00a0 Being present to extreme pain \u2014 and the pain that baby feels is intolerable, that\u2019s why she was traumatized \u2014 is very difficult.\u00a0 You are doing well with it.\u00a0 Keep on as you have begun.\u00a0 Remember that you are loved and cherished infinitely and forever. Woke up scared.\u00a0 Still feeling a little activated, a kind of buzzing in my stomach.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure part of it was that I took Mocha to the vet, and she had two vaccinations: distemper and Lyme.\u00a0 Yesterday she was very … Continue reading
\n<\/i>Thank You.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"