{"id":5720,"date":"2018-05-10T08:52:28","date_gmt":"2018-05-10T12:52:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5720"},"modified":"2020-09-23T13:38:24","modified_gmt":"2020-09-23T17:38:24","slug":"in-the-middle-of-a-huge-transformation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5720","title":{"rendered":"In the Middle of a Huge Transformation"},"content":{"rendered":"

I haven’t done a blog post in a long time. \u00a0My life has been overwhelming, I am beginning to realize that I am going through an unbelievably HUGE transition. \u00a0Not just from “regular life” to “a place for old people,” but from a life lived in the distorted space caused by PTSD to a life lived where I have enough support to begin to be approaching the kind of life that we were designed to live. \u00a0This is still very disorienting, and even my response to still not having found “kindred spirits<\/a>” is different from the past. \u00a0Instead of thinking “I’ll never find anyone like me,” I’m thinking “There are people here that I will feel comfortable with, it’s just going to take a while to find them.”<\/p>\n

I think that I still have layers of ancient exhaustion coming up to be processed. \u00a0This is from having pushed myself my whole life “to prove that I deserve to live.<\/a>” \u00a0 The cost of trauma is this: when someone goes through a complete flight or fight scenario \u2014 e.g. running away from a tiger and escaping \u2014 they have to rest for days to recover. \u00a0I’ve been told that a man who had retired from a job he loved took two years before he felt rested. \u00a0So it makes sense.<\/p>\n

About three weeks ago I sprained my ankle. \u00a0It meant that I had to miss the conference<\/a> that was going on at Neskaya<\/a>, but it also meant that I had to rest. \u00a0I was immobilized. \u00a0I had the impression that there was another whole layer of exhaustion that I wasn’t aware of.<\/p>\n

This is what I wrote this morning:<\/p>\n

Very, very tired.\u00a0 And a little dazed.\u00a0 I can see that I\u2019ve been pushing myself.\u00a0 In fact I could feel it this morning, sorting mail I brought from Franconia.\u00a0 Pressure to deal with address change.\u00a0 The postmistress was very firm (with an edge) that I had to get a new mailbox within 30 days.\u00a0 So I\u2019ll go online and change my address.\u00a0 Another task.\u00a0 I wrote another long list of tasks.\u00a0 It takes up more lines than there are on the big white pad.<\/p>\n

Yesterday I forgot about things like ordering from Vitacost.\u00a0 I\u2019m out of GABA.\u00a0 I did do a laundry but had to leave things in the dryer because I forgot that I had Erica at noon.\u00a0 I did go to meditation, but spent the rest of the day reading Jacqueline Winspear \u2014 In This Grave Hour.\u00a0 I just got locked right in.\u00a0 It made me late to dinner, and I ate and came back and finished it.\u00a0 Being a little horrified at myself, I looked at my behavior and realized that I got sucked into reading because I was too tired to do anything else.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn your heart, in your soul, did you find peace there.\u201d<\/p>\n

Second cup of tea.\u00a0 I still feel a little dazed.\u00a0 I look at the beautiful fragile pale azalea flowers that have bloomed in spite of being cut off from their roots.\u00a0 Instead of admiring their spunk, I\u2019m in pain that their lives have been so blighted.\u00a0 I was re-reading Bren\u00e9 Brown\u2019s chapter on Hope and Spirituality and was saddened to see \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u2014 thinking of a piece I once wrote describing myself as a tree clinging to a cliff \u2014 \u201cand it is still trying to flower\u201d \u2014\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 the extent to which I don\u2019t believe in myself, how easily I get hijacked into saying \u201cI can\u2019t do it.\u201d\u00a0 I realize there\u2019s an element of blame \u2014 \u201cIt\u2019s my fault, I\u2019m not persistent enough…\u201d\u00a0 \u2014 instead of seeing that my ability to persist was crushed very early\u00a0 \u2014 \u201cWhy did you even try?\u201d \u2014 and then I see that despite many setbacks I never gave up.\u00a0 Now I\u2019m here, and I\u2019m still trying\/working to find the nourishment I need.\u00a0 I think of Mother, felled by the stroke, and never really trying again.\u00a0 Content to spend her days in a hospital bed, food brought to her, watching TV.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a bird on my feeder pole.\u00a0 On my list is \u201cvacuum out the cobwebs in the feeder, fill with seed, hang outside \u2014 move pole?\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Jacqueline Winspear is a writer of murder mysteries and thrillers about Maisie Dobbs who was a nurse in the First World War. \u00a0In This Grave Hour<\/a> is about the beginning of WWII.<\/p>\n

Reading is my “drug of choice,” and I am aware of it as a “mindless practice.” \u00a0Usually I use it consciously as a break from my day, usually I read something I’ve read before, and it’s easy to stop at a natural break. \u00a0So I rarely get caught by it as completely as I did here.<\/p>\n

The book by\u00a0Bren\u00e9 Brown is called The Gifts of Imperfection<\/a>. \u00a0 The chapter I’m referring to is called “Cultivating a Resilient Spirit.”<\/p>\n

“In your heart, in your soul…” is a line from Loreena McKennitt’s song Full Circle<\/a>. \u00a0When I find a song in my mind, I pay attention, looking for the message. \u00a0Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes not.<\/p>\n

“Why did you even try?” was something my father said to me when I asked for help. \u00a0He said “If you didn’t know how to do it, why did you even try?” \u00a0I remember thinking to myself “Whatever happened to ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again’?” and thinking his words hadn’t affected me. \u00a0But a father’s voice is very powerful when you are a child.<\/p>\n

The reason there are several items on the To Do List entry is that almost everything I had to do involved several steps, and I wanted to be able to check off when I had only done one.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I haven’t done a blog post in a long time. \u00a0My life has been overwhelming, I am beginning to realize that I am going through an unbelievably HUGE transition. \u00a0Not just from “regular life” to “a place for old people,” … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5720","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5720","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5720"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5720\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5720"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5720"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5720"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}