My journal entry for April 4, 1968<\/p>\n
I don’t know where to start.\u00a0 It seemed as though the volcano was going to blow last night.\u00a0 I wanted to smash a window or something \u2014 perhaps because of Dr. King’s death?\u00a0 Where is a quiet place…<\/p>\n
What \u2014 what \u2014 pieces coming out in fits & starts \u2014 like pieces of vomit flying in all directions because I can’t channel myself toward a toilet \u2014 and vomit the whole mess & get rid of it so it doesn’t have to sit around in there \u2014 rotting & multiplying.<\/p>\n
What’s in the vomit, the rumbling magma of the volcano \u2014 can i look ? easily \u2014 long years of lonely, of being different, of being intelligent and sensitive, yet having no reassurance from outside that any of these things were valuable.\u00a0 [(
fred<\/del> loves me) \u00a0 \u00a0 NO HE DOESN’T]\u00a0 My parents always saying “Don’t think you’re so great”, never encouraging or praising, my father always focussing on tiny details as the basis for criticism so I think if i can clear up all the bad tiny details i’ll be alright and this keeps me so uptight the whole self is bound in fetters and cannot grow or be easy and free.\u00a0 And then i clear up detail after detail \u2014 i no longer look at my bad skin or my big ears, but my self image is of the ugly adolescent \u2014 now i see details in my behavior that point out my selfishness, my closed-in-ness, my clumsiness and blindness \u2014 do i know how to care for another human being?\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The convoluted wanderings of the dungeons of the castle i live (?) in \u2014 or defend vociferously.\u00a0 Who’s down there? what ghosts wander?\u00a0 My drunken mother bearing her heavy cross while the rest of us do the real work. and a dark and guilty ghost stalks after her, whispering to me, you could have done something you could still do something…<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"My journal entry for April 4, 1968 I don’t know where to start.\u00a0 It seemed as though the volcano was going to blow last night.\u00a0 I wanted to smash a window or something \u2014 perhaps because of Dr. King’s death?\u00a0 … Continue reading