This is an example of how I work through something in my journal. \u00a0It took several days and then some of the realizations only happened while I was typing it up a month later. \u00a0These are in italics.<\/p>\n
February 7<\/p>\n
Big snowstorm predicted for today.\u00a0 This is when I miss my stove.\u00a0 A day to curl up by the fire with a good long book.<\/p>\n
I look at the Book of Joy<\/a> on my side table.\u00a0 The Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu.\u00a0 It\u2019s about how to find joy in a painful difficult world.\u00a0 I started to read it and then couldn\u2019t keep going.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s because I don\u2019t believe I will ever find joy.\u00a0 Not because I\u2019m too wounded, but because I refuse to do what it takes.\u00a0 I\u2019m too stubborn.\u00a0 Nothing ever works for me.\u00a0 Damn. \u00a0Added later: I see now it\u2019s an old old belief:\u00a0 \u201cNothing ever works for me.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Erica said something about being grateful for the pain because it shows me what is really important to me.\u00a0 Be grateful for the loneliness because it lets me know how important connection is to me.\u00a0 Sometimes that\u2019s comforting \u2014 yes, that\u2019s what I want!\u00a0 Sometimes it\u2019s painful \u2014 I don\u2019t see how I can make it happen.<\/p>\n O dear.\u00a0 I read the next chapter in \u201cJoy.\u201d\u00a0 It said joy happens when you are doing good for others.\u00a0 When you radiate joy.\u00a0 This happens when I\u2019m teaching dance, when I\u2019m teaching astronomy.\u00a0 But only then.\u00a0 I\u2019m really not able or willing to be helpful to F, or S.\u00a0 It see that I\u2019m very judgmental, along the lines of \u201cattractive\u201d and \u201cunattractive,\u201d and I want the attractive people to like me and I\u2019m not really interested in spending time with the unattractive.\u00a0 I\u2019m not willing to go be with people who are lonely.\u00a0 It makes me think of Mother taking me to visit the Rogers sisters.\u00a0 They had been my grandparents’ servants.\u00a0 And how it felt like \u2014 this is how my life will end.\u00a0 In a crowded room smelling of urine.<\/p>\n I\u2019m seeing myself as a rather nasty person right now.<\/p>\n I\u2019m really going through a spasm of self-hate.\u00a0 I see myself as really useless in the larger scheme of things because I don\u2019t have enough relationship skills.\u00a0 I\u2019m unhappy because I don\u2019t do anything for other people.<\/p>\n Comment while typing up: \u00a0Once again I\u2019m judging myself by my mother\u2019s values \u2014 no, not her values because she didn\u2019t live up to them.\u00a0 She used them to manipulate me, and possibly herself.\u00a0 Or maybe it\u2019s that the way she did \u201cgood to others\u201d was like her driving for the Red Cross.\u00a0 She was a high status woman helping a lower status person.\u00a0 I am seeing that my wish to share my excitement about astronomy and dance is a contribution to the world.\u00a0 I think of the story of someone getting to heaven, and God tells him he wasn\u2019t supposed to be like Moses, he was supposed to be himself.\u00a0 I\u2019m not good at helping people I don\u2019t find \u201cattractive\u201d and part of that is personality, not just looks.\u00a0 God designed me to teach astronomy and circle dance, so that\u2019s my cosmic job.<\/em><\/p>\n February 8<\/p>\n Such an odd day.\u00a0 I think I finally felt\/thought something like \u201cI\u2019m just going to quit trying.\u201d\u00a0 After that things were much easier.\u00a0 I stopped worrying about hating myself.\u00a0 I stopped being so impatient.\u00a0 I let myself just sit and read.<\/p>\n February 9<\/p>\n Good talk with Elizabeth.\u00a0 I told her about the Book of Joy and being \u201ctoo self-involved.\u201d\u00a0 She reminded me that the Dalai Lama is the one who didn\u2019t understand what \u201clow self-esteem\u201d meant.\u00a0 We had a really interesting talk about \u201cselfish\u201d and \u201cunselfish.\u201d and how they were really useless concepts.<\/p>\n Actually, calling someone \u201cselfish\u201d is often a manipulative ploy to get them to do what you want.\u00a0 I think about the story of Eknath Easwaran<\/a>, whose grandmother and mother greeted him when he came home from school, and wanted to know every detail of his day.\u00a0 When you are given that much attention, you are able to grow a good strong base from which it\u2019s easy to give to others.<\/p>\n There\u2019s another paragraph I want to copy.\u00a0 Something about research suggests that unhappy people are too self-involved to have attention for others.\u00a0 (p 62)\u00a0 I don\u2019t think this is true for me.\u00a0 Could I say that I am unhappy?\u00a0 all the time?\u00a0 I do feel that my day is often a struggle just to get through the day.\u00a0 I don\u2019t get much satisfaction from doing something I \u201chave to do.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s just work.\u00a0 I see that I\u2019ve stopped writing \u201cgood for me!\u201d after things I do accomplish.\u00a0 Maybe that\u2019s part of the problem.\u00a0 I never learned to feel satisfaction from getting something done.\u00a0 My motivation was too often to avoid getting yelled at.\u00a0 I never got praised for doing something, but if I didn\u2019t do it I was made wrong.\u00a0 So that\u2019s what I learned to do to myself.\u00a0 To have impossible expectations and then be angry at myself when I couldn\u2019t achieve them.<\/p>\n Talk with Erica:<\/p>\n The sentence from Tutu needs something added:\u00a0 When we feel disconnected from that community, then we are unhappy.\u00a0 Experience of disconnection is painful February 10<\/p>\n Erica just turned the whole world upside down and inside out.\u00a0 It\u2019s not that I\u2019m unhappy because I\u2019m too self-involved.\u00a0 I\u2019m unhappy because I suffer from the disconnection that is \u201cnormal\u201d in our culture.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This is an example of how I work through something in my journal. \u00a0It took several days and then some of the realizations only happened while I was typing it up a month later. \u00a0These are in italics. February 7 … Continue reading
\nMy feeling of not being happy is to my credit
\nI can feel and see the lack of connection
\nMy unhappiness is a sign of disconnection, not self-centeredness.
\nJenny is suffering from the culture of disconnection
\nit\u2019s a disease, not who Jenny is<\/p>\n