{"id":5699,"date":"2018-03-24T09:17:15","date_gmt":"2018-03-24T13:17:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5699"},"modified":"2018-03-24T09:17:15","modified_gmt":"2018-03-24T13:17:15","slug":"struggle-between-old-ways-and-new","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5699","title":{"rendered":"Struggle between Old Ways and New"},"content":{"rendered":"

Wednesday, February 21<\/p>\n

Feeling really sick.\u00a0 Sore throat and very<\/span> tired.\u00a0 It felt OK to lie in bed this morning.\u00a0 It may be that Erica saying I\u2019m beyond<\/span> the end of my resources gave me permission to collapse.<\/p>\n

Session with Erica was painful and difficult.\u00a0 My old way of doing things, failing to take care of myself etc., is really fighting back against the new way that I\u2019m trying to learn.\u00a0 I realize that I\u2019ve been hating myself \u2014 not in the active sense where it feels<\/span> like hate.\u00a0 But in the passive way of taking care of myself so I can keep going, instead of really letting myself rest. \u00a0It\u2019s a tightness around my heart, anger that I can\u2019t do this better.\u00a0 Just knowing is not good enough, I have to change my behavior.\u00a0 I have to change myself<\/span> and the old ways are so easy, automatic, feel \u201cright.\u201d\u00a0 A battle to the death?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 I feel a wave of compassion for that Jenny who is having such a hard time.\u00a0 She\u2019s a good person, and she wants what\u2019s best for everyone, and her dysfunctional behaviors were learned in a hard school.\u00a0 Those behaviors really only hurt her<\/span>, not anyone else.<\/p>\n

Meditation with the group was good.\u00a0 I tried to meditate by myself in the morning, but my mind was leaping all over the place.\u00a0 I kept worrying about the practical stuff.\u00a0 I also did a lot of puzzles.\u00a0 That works the best at quieting my mind.\u00a0 Actually, I realize, I am<\/span> in the present when I\u2019m working with color and shape.\u00a0 Erica said something about \u201clittle tiny practices many times a day.\u201d\u00a0 My practice is really to be in the present, and I do do that many times a day.<\/p>\n

Reading the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu<\/a>, I see that I actually do many of the things they talk about.\u00a0 \u201cSympathetic joy.\u201d Active anger in support of justice.\u00a0 Refusing to hurt someone who has hurt me.\u00a0 Though I think that\u2019s as much about my default of freeze as it is about conscious choice.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u201cSympathetic joy\u201d is being able to feel good about someone else\u2019s happiness.\u00a0 I have been offered a lot of that lately, people who are so happy for me, that I have found the right place.\u00a0 I\u2019m always surprised.\u00a0 I expect the sort of put down I always got from mother.<\/p>\n

\u201cRefusing to hurt someone who has hurt me.\u201d\u00a0 I notice how quickly I make it be my instinct, not my choice.\u00a0 Instinct may aid my choice by giving me a pause, but I knew I never wanted to hurt anyone because I had already been hurt so much.\u00a0 I always sided with the underdog.\u00a0 My fantasies were never of revenge, but about having them see me as a valuable person, or having them understand how bad they hurt me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Wednesday, February 21 Feeling really sick.\u00a0 Sore throat and very tired.\u00a0 It felt OK to lie in bed this morning.\u00a0 It may be that Erica saying I\u2019m beyond the end of my resources gave me permission to collapse. Session with … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,9,11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5699","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-healing","category-journal","category-present-day"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5699","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5699"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5699\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5699"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5699"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5699"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}