Journal entry for Wednesday, March 7:<\/p>\n
I was happy yesterday and the day before.\u00a0 Reasonless happiness.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure when I even noticed it.\u00a0 I told Erica about it and she said \u201cWhat\u2019s that like?\u201d\u00a0 I had trouble finding words.\u00a0 Lightness, buoyancy.\u00a0 She asked about the energy, thinking \u201ceffervescent.\u201d\u00a0 But it wasn\u2019t like that.\u00a0 The energy didn\u2019t vibrate, it was deep and calm, solid.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe it\u2019s contentment\u201d I said.\u00a0 Erica said \u201cIt sounds like joy.\u201d\u00a0 Joy.\u00a0 I remember feeling this way one evening driving back from Writers for Recovery.\u00a0 And that long ago Christmas Eve Carol Service.\u00a0 Not something I\u2019ve felt very much in my life. \u00a0I think what started it was finally getting the paint color right.\u00a0 I love it.\u00a0 Erica was right.\u00a0 Being \u201cheld in beauty\u201d is very important to me.\u00a0 It\u2019s not a luxury to feel guilty about (\u201cspent good money\u201d) it\u2019s something nourishing and supportive.\u00a0 It\u2019s a necessity.\u00a0 In a world where humans have created so much ugliness, beauty must be fought for and paid for.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Getting the right color of the paint in my apartment here at Kendal has been a long process. \u00a0What I wanted was a very pale peach, a color I know from how Neskaya was painted. \u00a0My first choice, trying to get it from those tiny little samples, was awful. \u00a0It was too dark and too cold. \u00a0The idea of repainting it brought up childhood conditioning. \u00a0“What do you mean, you want it changed. \u00a0You chose it and you have to live with it.” \u00a0Combined with the old injunction that I couldn’t ask for anything that caused inconvenience to someone else. \u00a0Fortunately, my inner scientist said I’m not causing “inconvenience” to ask that it be changed. \u00a0No one responded to my request as though it were unreasonable. Then I realized that I wasn’t asking them to do it for free, I would be the one paying for it. More ancient conditioning: I can’t waste “good money” on something that unimportant. \u00a0“Good money” was my mother’s phrase, as though money were more important than what I wanted or needed. \u00a0My scientist said “What’s the point of money if you don’t use it to buy things that really make you happy, things that feed your soul?” \u00a0I asked for just the living room to be repainted. \u00a0Actually the darker pink is fine in the bathroom and bedroom. \u00a0But the second choice, while better, was still not exactly right. \u00a0Another struggle with my old conditioning. \u00a0Rodney, the painter, was happy to collaborate. \u00a0We chose some possible colors and he came and painted a large part of one wall. \u00a0He came back again and again, trying different colors. \u00a0Finally I chose one, and he actually used up the sample painting several large spaces, that were easy to reach, on three walls. \u00a0This was to give me another chance to be sure it was right. \u00a0When the whole room was done, it was much lighter, and the color had warmth. \u00a0It lifted my heart. \u00a0It was worth it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Journal entry for Wednesday, March 7: I was happy yesterday and the day before.\u00a0 Reasonless happiness.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure when I even noticed it.\u00a0 I told Erica about it and she said \u201cWhat\u2019s that like?\u201d\u00a0 I had trouble finding words.\u00a0 … Continue reading