I wrote this in my journal at the end of December.\u00a0 It\u2019s barely edited, and so somewhat clumsy.\u00a0 But it\u2019s a good example of how I work with my issues through journal work.<\/p>\n
I had dinner with Carolyn, and she invited me back with her.\u00a0 I spent some time in her room talking after dinner.\u00a0 She talked about a sister-in-law who didn\u2019t have any social skills, so I asked her for more information.\u00a0 Because I wasn\u2019t taught any social skills and I spent a lot of my life feeling defective.\u00a0 I\u2019m wondering how and when I began to learn them.\u00a0 I think of Eleanor, my friend who was horribly traumatized in her childhood, and wonder how she learned her amazing social skills.\u00a0 She\u2019s not only very good, but very honest, and uses Non-Violent Communication naturally.\u00a0 Such a different response to trauma and abuse from mine.\u00a0 I know she learned some of her skills from TV \u2014 she watched some family show to learn how to raise her younger siblings.\u00a0 She ended up losing herself in trying to take care of others, I ended up isolating.<\/p>\n
I think of how hard Eleanor works on her difficult friendships with a number of people.\u00a0 She\u2019s very good when she meets people \u2014 but that\u2019s her front personality \u2014 and she has one for jollying along her parents, but I think that costs her way too much, so she avoids contact with people generally.\u00a0 I found it almost impossible to communicate with my parents, I did not understand them at all.\u00a0 I remember that NVC<\/a> came just too late to use it with Mother.<\/p>\n
When and how did I start to learn social skills?\u00a0 I guess it started with Bettie\u2019s criticisms.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re not interested in people because you don\u2019t ask questions.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t have to lose your temper.\u201d\u00a0 \u2014 I remember using that one on Daddy.\u00a0 I don\u2019t actually remember losing my temper at all, at least in terms of attacking other people.\u00a0 I must have stopped that one pretty easily.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t take a course because you are good<\/span> at it.\u201d\u00a0 I remember working on myself in workshops and in therapy, but it was all about trying to fix myself, not about how to do relationship.\u00a0 There was co-counseling, but that was also more about fixing myself than learning about others.\u00a0 Though I did learn how to listen.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Because of Bettie\u2019s criticism, I saw myself as defective and tried to learn to ask questions.\u00a0 I continued to find it difficult and made myself wrong for not being good at it, until I wrote about the Fourth of July weekend<\/a>.\u00a0 As I cast it into a monologue, I saw that when I asked mother a question, she would make me wrong for asking.\u00a0 I also saw that taking a course in something I was good at was an effort to protect myself from making mistakes.\u00a0 I was terrified of making a mistake.<\/p>\n
I did learn some things from Dana.\u00a0 The distinction between caring about someone and doing what they wanted.\u00a0 I remember how helpless I was when he began to stonewall me.\u00a0 I also remember that I discovered my natural friendliness once I was on anti-depressant medication.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The issue of caring about people being the same as doing what they wanted. \u00a0I asked Dana to plant some daffodil bulbs for me because I felt too sick. \u00a0When he said he couldn’t do it, I said “You don’t care about me.” \u00a0His response was “I do<\/span> care about you, but I can’t do the daffodils right now.” \u00a0Looking back at it, I saw that Mother couldn’t make that distinction, so that’s where I learned it. \u00a0I still struggle with this one.<\/p>\n
One serious difficulty had to do with having no idea how I came across to other people.\u00a0 Was I too loud or too quiet?\u00a0 Actually I still don\u2019t really know.\u00a0 Though I think probably my intensity \u2014 and my intelligence as well \u2014 were too much for some people but attractive to others.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t about me at all!\u00a0 I\u2019m just seeing this.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Here is an understanding that came while I was writing.<\/p>\n
I remember when I went to Biddeford Pool for Aunt Betty\u2019s memorial service, how I consciously made sure I got to talk to everyone I wanted to talk to, how I was able to escape from conversations I didn\u2019t want to get stuck in.\u00a0 I remember Josephine expressing admiration for how well I \u201cworked the room.\u201d<\/p>\n
O yes I remember consciously working on relationships when I got divorced and knew I would need friends.\u00a0 I worked on relationships with K and J.\u00a0 But they both did\/said things that hit my wounds.\u00a0 Later, while struggling with Bella\u2019s death, my S.E. therapist Caryn said I needed to ask for help.\u00a0 I consciously set up relationships with five friends, and asked if they were willing to listen to me talk about my pain.\u00a0 Gradually those relationships ceased to satisfy.\u00a0 I remember consciously pursuing Barbara when she was also doing the hospice training.\u00a0 And working on my relationship with Eve when we connected again.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I see that I actually have been working on my relationship skills for a long time, and I have in fact gotten very good at it. \u00a0There was a very painful incident (when I was a debutante, which I hated) when someone had given a dinner party for me. \u00a0When everyone was served, I waited for someone else to start eating. \u00a0That was the only way I knew it was OK. \u00a0So we all sat there not eating. \u00a0Finally one of the adults came up to me and said “You are the hostess, you must start eating.” \u00a0I felt hideously embarrassed, and only many years later, after I learned about Children of Alcoholics, did I realize that my parents had failed to teach me me any social skills at all.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I wrote this in my journal at the end of December.\u00a0 It\u2019s barely edited, and so somewhat clumsy.\u00a0 But it\u2019s a good example of how I work with my issues through journal work. I had dinner with Carolyn, and she … Continue reading