Typing up from a month ago, I came to this:<\/p>\n
I woke up feeling a little bleak. just a little.\u00a0 It\u2019s as though I\u2019m asking \u201cWhat am I doing here?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWhat is my life about?\u201d\u00a0 And the answer is a complete blank.\u00a0 But there are<\/span> answers, they just aren\u2019t immediate.\u00a0 I\u2019m here at Kendal so I can have enough support so that I can live a life that\u2019s more than just a struggle to get through the day.\u00a0 My life is about the practice of being in the present, the practice of looking for truth.\u00a0 It\u2019s also about creating sacred space, creating space for particular celebrations, teaching the celebration of diversity and enacting it, doing my best to awaken people to the depth and magic and beauty of the amazing universe we live in.\u00a0 And also doing my best to explain and describe the pain people live with, domestic violence, PTSD, so that they can develop compassion for others.\u00a0 Another part of what my life is about is to learn to appreciate my body and its wisdom, and to take care of it properly.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I was glad to see that I phrased it in terms of what I really do, not in terms of what is visible to other people. \u00a0Teaching about child abuse is something I’ve done since Journey Into Courage. \u00a0“Creating sacred space” is not something I do openly, and not something I’ve been able to claim for myself, so it was encouraging to find it appearing on the page.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been angry with myself for not adjusting to life here:\u00a0 I should have got it done faster, what\u2019s the matter with me that I\u2019m having trouble with a lot of details, I came here for a better life and I’m not finding it, maybe I can’t do it…<\/p>\n
Wrote this on Friday after my phone session with Erica<\/p>\n
The conversation with Erica helped me see that the reason I\u2019m having such a hard time adjusting to Kendal, getting myself to where I feel settled, is not because there\u2019s something wrong with me that I can\u2019t do it faster.\u00a0 I really envy Pat that she seems to be comfortable already.\u00a0 I know they moved sometime last summer.\u00a0 What\u2019s making it far more difficult for me to even keep going on the practical things, is that having the support of a group and meals is making it possible for me to get in touch with very deep, very early conditioning.\u00a0 The work I am doing, unconsciously, in processing this very deep material, is making it very hard for me to do more than the simplest things on the practical surface.\u00a0 But I\u2019m not able to give myself credit for the inner work I\u2019m doing because it\u2019s below the level of consciousness.\u00a0 There\u2019s the exhaustion, which I find so hard to validate, because I don\u2019t experience myself as working hard on something.\u00a0 But a big chunk of my consciousness is engaged in it.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Today I even feel depressed, for the first time in a long time.\u00a0 I\u2019m discouraged and exhausted.\u00a0 Carolyn was reading from the beginning of a book that she thinks is very well written. \u00a0It’s called \u201cNutshell.\u201d\u00a0 The story is told by a fetus, and it is trapped, helpless, and knows that there\u2019s trouble between its parents.\u00a0 It\u2019s beautifully written, but that just makes it more immediate.\u00a0 I can see that I was triggered by it.\u00a0 Then I called Eleanor to ask how she is doing, and she had a long saga about what B is doing wrong, not taking care of the house.\u00a0 I could feel my heart go into \u201cshocked heart\u201d where it feels frozen and electrified at the same time.\u00a0 It felt awful, and it was after I hung up the phone that I really started to feel depressed.\u00a0 I could tell how my energy was completely gone for any of the practical things I have to get done.\u00a0 I remember the last time this happened, Eleanor was over-reacting, and what B had done was not as bad or as impossible to fix as she had made it sound.\u00a0 So I\u2019ve managed to pull out of the triggered fear, but I still feel pretty helpless.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Typing up from a month ago, I came to this: I woke up feeling a little bleak. just a little.\u00a0 It\u2019s as though I\u2019m asking \u201cWhat am I doing here?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWhat is my life about?\u201d\u00a0 And the answer is a … Continue reading