{"id":566,"date":"2010-07-08T00:03:25","date_gmt":"2010-07-08T00:03:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=566"},"modified":"2011-01-17T09:22:28","modified_gmt":"2011-01-17T14:22:28","slug":"struggle-to-love-myself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=566","title":{"rendered":"Struggle to Love Myself"},"content":{"rendered":"

On May 14, I posted a writing about my struggle to love myself.\u00a0 It was written in June 2004:
\nI need space and time and permission \u2014 more<\/em> than permission, I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the right<\/em> thing to do, the divinely commanded thing to do, what\u2019s in alignment with Universal Purpose \u2014\u00a0\u00a0 It\u2019s amazing how deeply I feel inside myself that it\u2019s morally<\/em> wrong<\/em> for me to pay that much attention to myself.<\/p>\n

I addressed the issue again in December 2005
\nI\u2019ve been trying to imagine what would make me feel better about having no energy, and having to spend so much effort just in taking care of myself.\u00a0 I imagined the Bodhisattva, Kuan Yin herself, walking in the door and sitting on the couch next to me, and speaking the words I need to hear:
\n\u201cMy dear child, you have been working so hard.\u00a0 You are exhausted and drained from your effort not to be dragged down by the huge weight of depression.\u00a0 You have done well \u2014 magnificently! \u2014 and your efforts have been of help to all who struggle in darkness.\u00a0 The only part of the work that you have not been able to do is to take better care of this cherished child, who has worked so hard for the benefit of all.\u00a0 It is time now to relax your efforts on behalf of others.\u00a0 You have set things in motion, like Neskaya and Journey into Courage<\/a>, that continue to do good in the world without your making further effort.\u00a0 Now you must take care of Jenny as best you can.\u00a0 Know that we love you and support you in doing this.\u00a0 Know that your effort to be kind and compassionate to Jenny, to nurture her and allow her to rest, is not different from your work on behalf of all sentient beings.\u00a0 Let your tired, wounded heart rest in the Ocean of Compassion.\u201d<\/p>\n

I went to a retreat with Jack Kornfield, in January 2007:\u00a0 he did a guided meditation on going to a very painful event in your life and imagine how it would have been different if a spiritual being had come and changed places with you so you could see how they would handle the situation.
\nI went to my most painful place: I went to myself in the yurt wanting to die after reading the letter from R.\u00a0 The being who came to the door was Kuan Yin, and I didn\u2019t feel any different when she inhabited my body, but when I wasn\u2019t paying attention she started building a wall.\u00a0 The gift she gave me was a sword and shield and she said: \u201cNever be afraid to stand up for yourself, never be afraid to protect yourself.\u201d
\nI was astounded.\u00a0 The Bodhisattva of COMPASSION giving me a WEAPON?<\/p>\n

Not until I read Byron Brown on defending your soul against the Judge did I understand.\u00a0 It makes me think of the poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins that ends \u201cwhat I do is me for this I came.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On May 14, I posted a writing about my struggle to love myself.\u00a0 It was written in June 2004: I need space and time and permission \u2014 more than permission, I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-566","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-healing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/566","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=566"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/566\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=566"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=566"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=566"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}