{"id":5658,"date":"2017-12-24T10:17:46","date_gmt":"2017-12-24T15:17:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5658"},"modified":"2017-12-24T10:17:46","modified_gmt":"2017-12-24T15:17:46","slug":"needing-more-than-comfort","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5658","title":{"rendered":"Needing More than Comfort"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m really tired from all that\u2019s involved in moving. Not just the physical effort and trying to organize things, but also all the bureaucratic stuff that is needed when you join a community.\u00a0 I think about what Brother David Steindl-Rast<\/a> says, in a conversation with David Whyte, about exhaustion.\u00a0 The antidote is not rest, but whole-heartedness.\u00a0 A lot of what I\u2019ve been doing does not engage my heart.<\/p>\n

I talked to my new friend Carolyn about Spirit.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t believe in anything.\u00a0 I realize that I don\u2019t believe in god, but I do believe in Spirit.\u00a0 She said she had never understood what people were talking about.\u00a0 I tried to describe my understanding of Spirit.\u00a0 I found it really difficult.\u00a0 I finally said it was something about the depth in things.\u00a0 She said she found that in music.\u00a0 I said I could find it in dance.\u00a0 I remember John O\u2019Donohue\u2019s definition of beauty<\/a> \u2014 \u201cit\u2019s what makes you feel more alive.\u201d\u00a0 That lift of the heart.\u00a0 That\u2019s what I\u2019m missing.\u00a0 I\u2019m missing how it feels to do circle dance in a sacred space.\u00a0 How it feels to do yoga, or even Nia, in sacred space, and also with people I know and like.\u00a0 I need a connection with depth.<\/p>\n

If I had a writing group, that wrote and shared pieces with depth \u2014 as in writing about grief or about recovery \u2014 in the service of recovery \u2014\u00a0 in the service of health, of feeding the soul. \u00a0In participating in the Grief Workshop with Francis Weller<\/a>, and in Writers for Recovery<\/a>, I learned that sharing what you wrote is a big piece of the healing, because you are witnessed.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m glad I drove to Montpelier to see Karen in the flesh, instead of talking to her on the phone. \u00a0I was very tired, but I remembered that being with someone whose nervous system is regulated is a big help to someone like me, who has trouble with self-regulation. \u00a0I was able to just lean on her and be quiet.\u00a0 We talked about \u201cdoing nothing.\u201d \u00a0In my talk with Elizabeth earlier in the day, she said she still heard some activated energy in my voice.\u00a0 Some degree of anxiety or excitement, unable to let myself down into the container, to let myself be held.\u00a0 Or maybe I am held, maybe I am safe enough, I feel<\/span> safe enough, to start missing that sense of \u201creal life\u201d that comes from being with people who care about all of us who are struggling with pain, poverty, ill-health, racism, mental\/emotional dysfunction…\u00a0 depression, addiction, self-mutilation, suicide<\/a>…\u00a0 Those are the people I want to help, or at least stand with, let them know they are not alone.\u00a0 It\u2019s not about being safe and comfortable.\u00a0 But it\u2019s only when I feel safe and supported enough that I can try to help the wounded, and maybe be effective instead of triggered.<\/p>\n

In conversation with Erica, I talked about how my safety alone is not enough.\u00a0 I need to be involved. \u00a0Erica said \u201cYou\u00a0need to make room for appreciating yourself.\u00a0Your desire for connection does not end with your own comfort.\u201d\u00a0 I think about what I learned from the Mandala of Truth<\/a> at Kindred Spirits \u2014 how comforted I am by knowing that other people care about the things I care about.<\/p>\n

Note: “self-regulation” means being able to return to normal fairly quickly after being activated. \u00a0For most of my life, if something scared me, I would remain in fight\/flight terror for hours.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m really tired from all that\u2019s involved in moving. Not just the physical effort and trying to organize things, but also all the bureaucratic stuff that is needed when you join a community.\u00a0 I think about what Brother David Steindl-Rast … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[12,5,14,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5658","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-activism","category-healing","category-spirit","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5658","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5658"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5658\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5658"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5658"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5658"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}