Wednesday, September 28<\/p>\n
The session with Erica was very painful.\u00a0 I cried a lot.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t write anything down.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t feel connected to her.\u00a0 It was hard to say how I knew that.\u00a0 I said something about how her face was flat and broken into pieces.\u00a0 Not really, but that\u2019s how it seemed.\u00a0 I felt dead, like a piece of wood, porous but dry, no juice.\u00a0 I think she asked how it felt to be witnessed, and I could feel a little water trickling in from above.\u00a0 While I was trying to find words to describe the felt sense of \u201cdead,\u201d I wasn\u2019t paying attention to my breath.\u00a0 Possibly she asked about my breath, and I didn\u2019t know, and she told me my breathing was slow and deep.\u00a0 After that I paid more attention to it.\u00a0 I told her that she & Lynelle had both made good suggestions for how I could take care of myself better, and I refused to do them.\u00a0 I felt bad for refusing to do the assignment, but Erica said something about dignity, and then praised my courage.\u00a0 When I told Lynelle about it, she said it was courageous too.\u00a0 I told Erica I couldn\u2019t do anything to help myself, I needed someone else to help me.\u00a0 She said \u201cYou are at the end of your resources.\u201d\u00a0 Yes, that\u2019s exactly right.\u00a0 And there\u2019s nothing to do but be with it.<\/p>\n
I told Erica that I didn\u2019t feel I could say \u201cthank you\u201d for the session, and she said \u201cThen I\u2019ll thank you \u2014 for your courage in telling me your truth…\u201d\u00a0 She said several things but that was the most important.<\/p>\n
Looking at it later, I saw that I felt very wrong to refuse to do the assignment, but in fact I was standing up for myself against someone\u2019s unreasonable expectation \u2014 no, that\u2019s what happened in childhood \u2014 this expectation was reasonable, but didn\u2019t take into account my degree of being triggered into a very young state. \u00a0In the past I’ve judged myself as “weakling and coward,” when I’ve been unable to take what I know to be an action that might help my situation. \u00a0So it was a big surprise to be told that it was a courageous stand. \u00a0And also a stand on truth. \u00a0No more saying “I’m fine” when I’m not.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Wednesday, September 28 The session with Erica was very painful.\u00a0 I cried a lot.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t write anything down.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t feel connected to her.\u00a0 It was hard to say how I knew that.\u00a0 I said something about how her … Continue reading