I’ve been working with Christia to downsize and prepare to move to Kendal.\u00a0 Christia discovered that she could tear the pages out of the spiral journal notebooks so they could be recycled. \u00a0So she’s been doing that, and it gives me moral support when working on something else. \u00a0I had saved the originals from 1959 (my first journal) to 1970.\u00a0 They were written in hardbound notebooks, and I had named each notebook (I was copying Ana\u00efs Nin).\u00a0 Names like \u201cCollision with California,\u201d \u201cSight of the Sea.\u201d\u00a0 She tore out the pages, leaving the cardboard covers.\u00a0 I saved the pages to burn and the cardboard can be recycled. \u00a0Burning is a ceremonial way of letting go of something.<\/p>\n
Today we did another round of dumping printed pages, and tearing pages out of spiral bound notebooks.\u00a0 I discovered that I have three crates of spiral notebooks from the years 1995 to 2003 where I wasn\u2019t typing up.\u00a0 I want to go through them and type things that are meaningful.\u00a0 And why, why<\/span> do I want to do that?\u00a0 Do I imagine someone in the future being interested?\u00a0 No, actually, I think it helps my own work of integration.\u00a0 I want to be able to see my life as a whole.\u00a0 Do I ever go back and read all those journals so carefully typed and printed?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 It does feel like meaningful work.\u00a0 I guess it has meaning in itself.\u00a0 I can\u2019t imagine not<\/span> doing it.\u00a0 If for nothing else, it also gives me a chance to look at the events of my life again.\u00a0 I suppose I really don\u2019t need to type up all the stuff about the dog, and my health.\u00a0 I know I was thinking that a record would be helpful \u2014 but to what? to whom?\u00a0 I guess I imagined myself going over them to look for improvement…\u00a0 as I walk the dog more regularly?\u00a0 I\u2019m not going to do that.\u00a0 Maybe I don\u2019t need to type up all that kind of information.<\/p>\n Things I have saved:\u00a0 a big binder of Ritual Year \u2014 though I don\u2019t have a digital version so I can\u2019t edit it, but would have to start over. \u00a0Ritual Year is a project in which I put (usually edited) passages from my journal, one for each of the 365 days. \u00a0I also have three binders of dreams.\u00a0 Not ready to throw them away, but am I likely to reread them?\u00a0 I see that I can\u2019t imagine a future in which anyone would be interested in the record of a life lived by a highly intelligent, well-educated woman, living mostly in the 20th century, and struggling with PTSD from infancy.\u00a0 Who would be interested?\u00a0 Who would care?\u00a0 I see the world having to change radically, whether by people taking back the government, or by nuclear war, or financial disaster, or environmental disaster…<\/p>\n Writing and typing up later is a devotional practice.\u00a0 It\u2019s honoring the wounded life of Jenny.\u00a0 I\u2019m a little horrified that I can\u2019t see a viable future.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to \u201chold a vision\u201d of the world being destroyed, but that\u2019s all I can see from here.\u00a0 At least I can continue praying \u201cMay all beings be safe, may all beings be happy…\u201d<\/p>\n Often a help in times of doubt, I went back to Matt Dancing around the world<\/a>… \u00a0A wonderful image of peace, health, happiness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I’ve been working with Christia to downsize and prepare to move to Kendal.\u00a0 Christia discovered that she could tear the pages out of the spiral journal notebooks so they could be recycled. \u00a0So she’s been doing that, and it gives … Continue reading