{"id":5605,"date":"2017-09-30T11:31:03","date_gmt":"2017-09-30T15:31:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5605"},"modified":"2017-09-30T11:31:03","modified_gmt":"2017-09-30T15:31:03","slug":"the-tough-little-drip-revisited","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5605","title":{"rendered":"The “Tough Little Drip” Revisited"},"content":{"rendered":"

Friday, September 29<\/p>\n

Woke with headache and heart burning.<\/p>\n

Yesterday was actually pretty good.\u00a0 I felt OK when I woke up and had a great talk with Elizabeth.\u00a0 I was telling her about the painful session with Erica and she said she heard a core of strength in my voice.\u00a0 I told her about refusing to do anything to help myself, she said that was the real me asserting herself.\u00a0 It really surprised me.\u00a0 I thought I was bad for refusing \u2014 \u201cweakling and coward\u201d \u2014 but Lynelle, Erica, and Elizabeth have all praised me for my courage.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The painful session with Erica was last Tuesday, when I felt that I could not rescue myself, I had to be rescued by someone from outside.\u00a0 Erica did not say \u201cI will rescue you,\u201d or \u201cYou have to rescue yourself,\u201d but she validated how I was feeling as \u201cat the end of my resources.\u201d\u00a0 She also made suggestions for things I could do to comfort myself, and I just refused to do them, feeling like a bad student who was refusing to do the assignment.\u00a0 I was imagining that I could do them and was just stubbornly refusing.\u00a0 The truth is that I was not able to do them, but I\u2019m in denial of that because I can\u2019t bear seeing that I\u2019m truly helpless.<\/p>\n

“Weakling and coward” were judgements I made of myself, mostly when I was disabled by depression, for a large part of my life.<\/p>\n

I saw and told Elizabeth, that staying with the feeling of \u201cat the end of my resources,\u201d sitting down stubbornly, and refusing to move \u2014 no, I\u2019m not refusing to move, not refusing to do something I could do, I\u2019m acknowledging the truth, that I don\u2019t have what it takes to go on, instead of saying \u201cI\u2019m fine.\u201d\u00a0 In the past, when I\u2019ve been defeated like that, I spend one or two days flat out on the bottom, and then something in me picks herself up and moves on.\u00a0 What I saw very clearly this time was that it\u2019s a choice, but it\u2019s not a conscious choice, it\u2019s \u201csomething in me.\u201d\u00a0 I realized it\u2019s the \u201ctough little drip that just won\u2019t quit<\/a>,\u201d\u00a0 God bless her!\u00a0 She\u2019s not the one that pushes me, she\u2019s the one who keeps me going in the direction of healing.\u00a0 In The Feminine of History<\/a> I say \u201cthere is an inner, dynamic thrust toward healing the split.\u201d p85.\u00a0 It amazes me that the scientist in me didn\u2019t ask for my evidence for that statement.\u00a0\u00a0I had learned from dream work and Jung\u2019s ideas about how opposites can be reconciled. \u00a0I haven\u2019t thought of that in terms of myself, though I can see it in what happens to others.\u00a0 How hurt and damaged people, when offered needed information and an opportunity to heal, will do it.\u00a0 I see it in how Jack<\/a> turned his life around with AA, I see it in the homies in LA<\/a>, who take what Father Greg has to offer and run with it.\u00a0 Yesterday I realized that I have that thrust toward healing inside me and I can trust it.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have to keep my nose to the grindstone.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

One of the things I’ve been working on recently is the recognition that when I think or say “I’m fine,” I’m really in denial of how badly off I am.<\/p>\n

\u201cKeeping my nose to the grindstone.\u201d\u00a0 The push I\u2019ve felt all my life was to \u201cprove that I deserve to live<\/a>.\u201d\u00a0 The times when I don\u2019t feel that are when I\u2019m unselfconscious because I\u2019m teaching something I\u2019m excited about like Astronomy or Circle Dance, or I\u2019m engaged in a passionate conversation.\u00a0 I feel it most strongly when I\u2019m just sitting, not doing anything at all.\u00a0 The times when I have been able to do that, sit quietly and just rest, are so rare that I can remember them.<\/p>\n

I can trust that there\u2019s someone in me who keeps going toward healing, love, compassion, greater consciousness.\u00a0 I can relax and let it happen.\u00a0 I can see that there are synchronicities that help me.\u00a0 I think of Elizabeth Goudge saying when you think you can\u2019t go on, something or someone else steps in and gives you a burst of new strength.\u00a0 She says or means God is the one who steps in, but what I\u2019m seeing now is that the Divine Force within me is the Tough Little Drip.\u00a0 I laugh and start to feel warm inside.\u00a0 The Tough Little Drip and God in a Sheet<\/a> are<\/span> God.\u00a0 Not some white bearded male sitting up on his thrown (sic!) above us running everything like a puppeteer.\u00a0 God is within us and constantly growing, reaching for health, love, peace, justice, all those good things.<\/p>\n

What a huge relief<\/span>!\u00a0 I can trust something in me<\/span>.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have to trust anything outside of me.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have to wait for someone outside to rescue me.\u00a0 I may have to wait, patiently, for the correct action to appear.<\/p>\n

I can trust myself<\/span>.\u00a0 I can trust myself to know who is trustworthy and who isn\u2019t, to wait for right action until I see it and then to do it.\u00a0 I can trust myself to recognize help when it comes.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The truth is that help can come both from outside and from inside. \u00a0But when I was a baby I was truly helpless. \u00a0Now, I may have to wait patiently, but help does come, either from inside or outside.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Friday, September 29 Woke with headache and heart burning. Yesterday was actually pretty good.\u00a0 I felt OK when I woke up and had a great talk with Elizabeth.\u00a0 I was telling her about the painful session with Erica and she … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,9,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5605","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-healing","category-journal","category-spirit"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5605","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5605"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5605\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5605"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5605"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5605"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}