Woke up feeling painfully isolated. \u00a0I usually say “lonely” but I don\u2019t think lonely is the right word for this morning.\u00a0 Lonely is when you are aware that other people exist, they just are not with you.\u00a0 You can feel lonely in a crowd, that means you are not connected.\u00a0 I guess that\u2019s really what lonely is, not feeling connected to anyone.\u00a0 What I\u2019m feeling is that there are no other people in the world.\u00a0 I think this is a baby before object constancy, when Mother is not in the room.<\/p>\n
Talking to Erica on the phone, how I experienced her as very far away.\u00a0 I said I was trying to crawl to her.\u00a0 \u201c… set myself to cover the distance.\u201d\u00a0 Can\u2019t remember where that quote is from.\u00a0 It carries the sense of the person\u2019s difficulty in moving, and their determination and intention to get there.\u00a0 Then I realized that I can\u2019t go to her, I need someone to come and rescue me.\u00a0 But no one will come because no one wants me.\u00a0 So it\u2019s very painful to even become aware of that need.<\/p>\n
In our conversation she would ask \u201cWhat are you aware of?\u201d\u00a0 Then I could pay attention to my butt on the couch, my feet on the floor, etc.\u00a0 I noticed that my toes were curling and uncurling.\u00a0 I asked if\u00a0 a baby does that and she said yes.\u00a0 She said maybe I was looking for something soft, so I put a fleece blanket on the floor, and pressed my feet into it.\u00a0 Then I noticed how the cushion at my back was rounded to accept my weight.\u00a0 This is an experience I\u2019ve had in S.E. where sometimes the world curves to receive me.<\/p>\n
What am I aware of now?\u00a0 My butt on the couch, my feet on the cushion on the floor, the warmth of the dog.\u00a0 The colors of the trees outside my windows, the sun sneaking in behind.\u00a0 Hot tea.\u00a0 There\u2019s also a pain in my heart.\u00a0 I think about the babies whose nurses were forbidden to talk to them.\u00a0 Some emperor wanted to find out what language Adam and Eve spoke.\u00a0 But the babies all died of lack of connection.<\/p>\n
O yes, forgot, while I was talking to Erica and putting the blanket under my feet, I picked up Kiddo, who\u2019s been here on the couch with the little rescue dog who still has no name.\u00a0 I picked her up and hugged her, and continued to hug hard after I hung up.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t feel like a baby, she feels like someone I can hold on to for reassurance.<\/p>\n
Thinking about times when I was rescued: the Black maid, Herman, and Rose Marie.\u00a0 Rose Marie flew across the country because she could tell I was in trouble.\u00a0 That\u2019s absolutely staggering to me now.\u00a0 I think I was unable to take it in fully when it happened.\u00a0 I could not believe that I mattered that much.<\/p>\n
I also was imagining Erica\u2019s constant, detailed, positive feedback, and suddenly saw it from the side of a person looking at a small child as another manifestation of God.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Notes:\u00a0 \u201cObject constancy\u201d is something a baby doesn\u2019t acquire until between 18 and 24 months.\u00a0 It\u2019s when you know that even though you can\u2019t see mother, she still exists.\u00a0 Before object constancy, if something isn\u2019t visible, it doesn\u2019t exist.<\/p>\n
In Somatic Experiencing<\/a> this exercise, of paying attention to your physical body in the present, is called \u201cresourcing.\u201d\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t work to try to remember anything about your trauma unless you are resourced.<\/p>\n For \u201clanguage deprivation experiments,\u201d see Wikipedia<\/a>.<\/p>\n \u201cKiddo\u201d is a doll I made of cloth for a workshop in Children of Alcoholics.\u00a0 She is about 18\u201d tall, with a sweet face that is also full of confidence.\u00a0 when I introduced her to the group, she popped up and said \u201cI\u2019m very intelligent.\u201d<\/p>\n The story of the Black maid and Herman<\/a><\/p>\n I realized later that my friend Rose Marie actually flew from NYC to Burlington and rented a car to drive to Franconia. \u00a0She’s been living in Seattle for the last 20 years, so that’s where I imagined she had come from. \u00a0I think my mind changed the distance to help me appreciate what she’d done for me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Saturday, September 23 This is what I wrote in my journal this morning.\u00a0 Friday morning is when I have a phone appointment with Erica, because she is in Keene. Woke up feeling painfully isolated. \u00a0I usually say “lonely” but I … Continue reading ![\"\"](\"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/kiddo-245x300.jpg\")
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