{"id":5589,"date":"2017-09-05T16:47:08","date_gmt":"2017-09-05T20:47:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5589"},"modified":"2019-05-24T18:53:07","modified_gmt":"2019-05-24T22:53:07","slug":"feeling-unreal-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5589","title":{"rendered":"Feeling Unreal"},"content":{"rendered":"

I haven’t posted anything for a while. \u00a0My life has been very difficult: overwhelming, crazy-making. \u00a0There’s an earlier post about Feeling Unreal<\/a>, so that’s been another part of this difficult summer. \u00a0I don’t even know how much sense this post will make to the reader, I’m trying to give the flavor of my experience.<\/p>\n

This post was written on August 5, the earlier post was written only a few days before.<\/p>\n

Feeling very strange.\u00a0 The weather is strange.\u00a0 Yesterday afternoon it poured while the sun was still out.\u00a0 This morning it\u2019s warm, humid, and grey.<\/p>\n

Yesterday was hot.\u00a0 I thought about lying down for a nap, but remembered what Erica said about how working \u201cwhole-heartedly\u201d was one antidote to exhaustion.\u00a0 So I started working on my Lammas post for the new Neskaya website<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Very confusing.\u00a0 Some things the program liked and gave me green dots, some things it didn\u2019t like, and I couldn\u2019t figure out why.\u00a0 At some point Eleanor came in and told me she\u2019d got the phone jack that splits into 3 at the hardware store, but it didn\u2019t work either.\u00a0 She\u2019s afraid that mice have gnawed the wires.\u00a0 I said we would need to call the phone company and have a service person sent.\u00a0 I asked her if she would do that.\u00a0 She said something about scheduling, so I looked for my calendar clipboard and couldn\u2019t find it.\u00a0 I burst into tears and said \u201cThis is making me crazy.\u201d\u00a0 Eleanor said to forget it, she would take care of it after she gets back from her parents.\u00a0 She has to go next week for her mother\u2019s birthday.\u00a0 She sounded very cross which made me feel worse, but Erica had said something about negotiating new boundaries with her.\u00a0 I know that I always feel terrible when something has to be fixed in her apartment.\u00a0 I feel responsible for everything.\u00a0 At first I freaked out whenever something went wrong, then there was a period of time when I was OK with it, but yesterday it was a last straw.\u00a0 Possibly working on the webpage was not a good idea.\u00a0 Writing is something I can do whole-heartedly, but struggling with unfamiliar technology is not.<\/p>\n

I went back and read what I had written in response to Andrew Harvey\u2019s work on Spiritual Activism<\/a>.\u00a0 I see that I have always been on the side of the underdog, that I have gone to protest marches and vigils, that I would have done more if they were closer to where I live.\u00a0 I\u2019m badly handicapped by PTSD, and having to take care of myself so I don\u2019t become totally disabled.\u00a0 Actually, I\u2019m worried that I\u2019m close to being totally disabled right now.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t been able to fill the forms out for Kendal, I haven\u2019t been able to take my computer to the bank to solve the password difficulty.\u00a0 I know there are more \u2014 o yes call the dentist and make appt for work that needs to be done \u2014 but getting up and looking for the yellow pad where they are written is too much right now.\u00a0 I have too many pads and I keep losing them.\u00a0 I keep losing things, that\u2019s something else that drives me crazy.\u00a0 All this stuff, all these little details that have to be taken care of, are right now making it impossible to take care of myself.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t been able to meditate for weeks, I keep forgetting to take Mocha for walks \u2014 even short walks outside \u2014 crazy!\u00a0 It\u2019s all crazy.\u00a0 Today I feel unreal, weak, disorganized, uncentered, off balance.\u00a0 Trying to build balance exercises into my day.<\/p>\n

When is there time for spiritual practice, for sitting calmly, for spending time in \u201climinal space\u201d as Erica said?\u00a0 No wonder I feel unreal.\u00a0 Erica says that feeling unreal is due to lack of validation, lack of someone seeing what\u2019s going on with me and naming it.<\/p>\n

Kendal<\/a> is a Retirement Community that I have applied to.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I haven’t posted anything for a while. \u00a0My life has been very difficult: overwhelming, crazy-making. \u00a0There’s an earlier post about Feeling Unreal, so that’s been another part of this difficult summer. \u00a0I don’t even know how much sense this post … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5589","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-breakdown","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5589","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5589"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5589\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5589"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5589"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5589"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}