For the last few days, I have been feeling \u201cunreal.\u201d\u00a0 I went back in my journal trying to find where I first started to feel that.\u00a0 July 17 was the first time I wrote something like \u201cI don\u2019t feel like I\u2019m here, don\u2019t know where I am.\u201d\u00a0 Other entries since then are \u201cI don\u2019t feel like a person,\u201d \u201cno sense of future,\u201d \u201ceverything ahead of me feels like a chore.\u201d\u00a0 I can\u2019t find compassion for myself, and I have no sense of Spirit in the universe.<\/p>\n
Last Tuesday I wrote:<\/p>\n
I see Erica today, but I can\u2019t imagine she can help me.\u00a0 Two friends have told me I am much stronger, but I don\u2019t feel that at all.\u00a0 That\u2019s a little scary.\u00a0 If that\u2019s true, it means that I haven\u2019t been able to take in, experience, the healing I have done.\u00a0 If healing doesn\u2019t feel real to me, how can I ever truly heal?<\/p>\n
Erica\u2019s waiting room.\u00a0 I call it \u201cfeeling crazy\u201d but really it\u2019s feeling like I can\u2019t trust myself.\u00a0 I can\u2019t trust myself to remember, I can\u2019t trust myself to make a good choice, I have no idea what to do, or what I want.\u00a0 My routine is not functioning very well.\u00a0 I put the eggs in the pan first, not the rice.\u00a0 I wonder if I\u2019m only seeing what I expect to see instead of what is, so I have no sense of being \u201cbetter,\u201d of having learned or gotten stronger.\u00a0 When I asked Jan why she thought I was better, she said I\u2019m more present.\u00a0 I brought sweet chestnut, for when you are at the end of your rope.\u00a0 \u201cWhen anguish overwhelms you and you can see no way out.\u201d\u00a0 But this doesn\u2019t feel like anguish, it feels like confusion and despair.\u00a0 It\u2019s true, I don\u2019t see how to go on.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
“Sweet Chestnut” is the Bach flower remedy for “Moments when the anguish is too great and seems to be unbearable. \u00a0Your mind or body feels as if it has come to the uttermost limit of its endurance. It feels as if there is nothing but destruction and annihilation left to face.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
For the last few days, I have been feeling \u201cunreal.\u201d\u00a0 I went back in my journal trying to find where I first started to feel that.\u00a0 July 17 was the first time I wrote something like \u201cI don\u2019t feel like … Continue reading