This was in my journal for June 10. \u00a0I typed it up today, and saw that I was making my pain personal, and a mistake on my part.\u00a0 I did not see that it might be related to the state of the world, the awful things going on out there, and my powerlessness in the face of them.\u00a0 Though I immediately realize I\u2019m not helpless.\u00a0 I sign petitions, I called the Governor of New Hampshire, and I can teach writing for healing.\u00a0 Also, when we do the circle dances, I know that we are creating a new and different world, where diversity is celebrated.\u00a0 It feels like a powerful prayer.<\/p>\n
Woke up, and was almost immediately hit by sad & scared.\u00a0 I look out at the bright green trees, and feel the weight in my heart and belly.\u00a0 Is my life still worthwhile?\u00a0 I say yes, but it\u2019s become a concept, not a reality.\u00a0 Well, I had a good run.<\/p>\n
I think it was probably taking a friend to test drive a possible car in Littleton.\u00a0 On our way in she talked about her fears, about needing to save money for her teeth and someday she\u2019ll have to get another car.<\/p>\n
I can see that I\u2019m angry at myself for losing the feeling of being OK.\u00a0 I tried to tell myself that there are a lot of people out there who feel scared & sad, but it doesn\u2019t seem real.\u00a0 What happened?\u00a0 This is so frustrating!\u00a0 Yes, I\u2019m angry about losing those good feelings.\u00a0 I\u2019m angry at myself because I have enough money to not have to worry about taking care of my teeth and getting another car.\u00a0 The political situation doesn\u2019t help.<\/p>\n
Yes, I\u2019m angry and disappointed with myself for losing that good state.\u00a0 Can I find compassion for myself?\u00a0 Yes, something softens inside.\u00a0 Can I forgive myself?\u00a0 What comes up immediately is it\u2019s not my fault<\/span>.\u00a0 I don\u2019t do this deliberately, it\u2019s triggered by something.\u00a0 Compassion for Jenny, who is powerless over her own mental state, who is powerless to help her friend.\u00a0 Well, that definitely shifts things.\u00a0 I feel more sad than scared \u2014 maybe the scared is related to the anger.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
What I see now, especially after rereading Miriam Greenspan\u2019s book \u201cHealing through the Dark Emotions<\/a>\u201d is that my sadness, my loss of that good feeling, is related to my friend\u2019s situation and all the terrible things that are happening in the world.\u00a0 It\u2019s not about my individual pain.\u00a0 It\u2019s not because my trauma has been triggered \u2014 though possibly it\u2019s because of my helplessness in the face of so much pain. \u00a0It’s another blindness in the culture we live in, actual denial of what we are doing to the world and each other. \u00a0Going to a therapist is seen as weakness, that there is something wrong with you, not that you are sensitive enough to perceive what’s happening in the world. \u00a0It\u2019s really a sign of how much I care about the world: our planet and all the people and creatures who depend on its life-support.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This was in my journal for June 10. \u00a0I typed it up today, and saw that I was making my pain personal, and a mistake on my part.\u00a0 I did not see that it might be related to the state … Continue reading