From my journal for October 2003<\/p>\n
I’ve been writing and run out of things to say. \u00a0I’ve finished my tea. \u00a0I don\u2019t want to move and I need to go on with my day.\u00a0 There there Jenny, what you are doing is very hard.\u00a0 Courage my dear.<\/p>\n
Breakfast, wash dishes, water plants, dance to Shoror.\u00a0 My heart aches so that it\u2019s very hard to keep doing things, but now that I\u2019ve stopped I\u2019m feeling the fear again.\u00a0 There\u2019s no place to rest, no place safe to be.\u00a0 It\u2019s a beautiful day out there, autumn gold \u2014 intensified by mist earlier, and it doesn\u2019t touch me, doesn\u2019t lift my heart.\u00a0 I feel so bleak and dark inside, and I so love the beauty of the world and grieve that I\u2019m unable to celebrate it.<\/p>\n
Dear Spirits, I\u2019m pretty bummed out.\u00a0 Please help me.<\/p>\n
Dear Jenny, we think you should raise your meds back to 100.\u00a0 This is being altogether too hard for you.\u00a0 Medication is neither good nor bad, it is a way you can support yourself when other kinds of support aren\u2019t available.\u00a0 There is no support for you in the culture and too much pressure in the opposite direction, not to mention all the COA stuff: judging yourself without mercy, making things too black and white, etc.\u00a0 Yes, if you lived in a therapeutic\/spiritual community you might be able to get by on less medication, but that\u2019s not a realistic option for you right now.\u00a0 Yes, go ahead and call Dr. L.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Took Bella up Rte 3.\u00a0 I carried my painfully tight grieving heart and paid attention to my feet on the path and the colored leaves.\u00a0 Sat by Skoogumchuk Brook for a little bit.\u00a0 Was able to take in a little of the beauty of yellow leaves against the sky.<\/p>\n
My intention: I offer myself to the process of grief, to allow it to transform me in its way.\u00a0 I wish I knew better what to do next.\u00a0 I\u2019m afraid that my ability to grieve is badly compromised by the nature of my losses.\u00a0 I found myself crying on the trail with the pain of losing the \u201creal life\u201d that I had for such a short time.\u00a0 And even when the loss was clear \u2014 loss of Shenanigan, of Dana & marriage, I wasn\u2019t able to participate fully in my grieving because I kept falling into depression.\u00a0 I do not know how to let myself grieve, sit with my grief, without falling into depression.\u00a0 I keep trying to do it but I\u2019m afraid my efforts are sabotaged by dysfunction so I\u2019m unable to really surrender into the process of grief which then creates more toxic depression.\u00a0 It would be much easier if I could spend one day wholeheartedly grieving and the next have some respite and joy, but it seems like I am either stumbling through the fog and dark and cold of depression with very little joy, or else I\u2019m \u201cdoing well\u201d and the grief doesn\u2019t appear at all.<\/p>\n
Shoror is one of the parts of the Oratorium<\/a>.<\/p>\n
My sense that if I could grieve adequately I wouldn’t be depressed was right on. \u00a0But I didn’t know enough about grief. \u00a0Francis Weller’s work<\/a> helped a lot this past year.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for October 2003 I’ve been writing and run out of things to say. \u00a0I’ve finished my tea. \u00a0I don\u2019t want to move and I need to go on with my day.\u00a0 There there Jenny, what you are … Continue reading