October 2003<\/p>\n
Put on the Oratorium CD.\u00a0 Sitting on the floor, moving with grief, pain in the heart, lack of hope \u2014 walking out into the desert with the fragments of a culture, knowing that it\u2019s most likely I will die in the desert, least likely that I will come to people who will receive joyfully what I\u2019m carrying.\u00a0 (Noise down the hill, there was so much noise last night that I was only able to sleep with ear plugs and fan on and relaxation CD.) I have only the vaguest knowing that there\u2019s divine energy out there, buddhas and bodhisattvas, and they are holding our wounded planet very gently.\u00a0 Whether or not anything ever heals does not matter because it will all die, but at least all this suffering is held in compassion.<\/p>\n
Bring compassion to this poor woman, who\u2019s fallen into the pit of terror and depression, who\u2019s lost whatever sense or belief gave her life its meaning, who is having a hard time with noise, and is angry at herself for being so sensitive.<\/p>\n
Went to Kayla\u2019s for lunch.\u00a0 I was feeling pretty lost \u2014 still am actually \u2014 feeling like it\u2019s not OK to take up space, I don\u2019t belong here, I don\u2019t feel safe.\u00a0 It\u2019s true, this could be because I wasn\u2019t held enough as a child \u2014 I just need some explanation so I won\u2019t blame myself and get angry at myself, and I suppose with some hope that it will change.\u00a0 If it\u2019s a loss due to things that weren\u2019t there in my early environment, can it be healed?\u00a0 I have no idea.\u00a0 And I don\u2019t know what to do.\u00a0 Can the work with Dave help with this?\u00a0 I have no idea.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m feeling so discouraged and defeated.\u00a0 I see how, when I was feeling better in the summer, I did the COA black & white thing \u201cI\u2019m all better now.\u201d And so I immediately wanted to widen my life \u2014 to take workshops in counseling techniques etc \u2014 so I piled more stuff on myself as well as trying to get off the medication.\u00a0 I see now how foolish that was \u2014 I\u2019ve lost ground so badly \u2014 I\u2019m back in the place where it\u2019s too hard just to get up in the morning, just to keep up the normal schedule here at Neskaya.\u00a0 I\u2019m very angry at myself for being so stupid.\u00a0 And I\u2019m very disappointed because somewhere in me I want to have that wider life \u2014 to go to Jalaja\u2019s workshop, the Windhorse training, visit Bobbi on Cape Cod.\u00a0 I can see better the cycle that Karen talked about, how when I\u2019m in an upswing I pile on more & more instead of building in time for the down cycle and so I crash instead of coming down gently.<\/p>\n
So discouraged.\u00a0 But at least I don\u2019t feel as lost as I did yesterday.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t do anything to try to bring myself out of it.\u00a0 I started the music for \u201cTurning Toward the Morning<\/a>\u201d and did the dance to express my bleakness \u2014 but it helped.\u00a0 I look at my painting of the dancer<\/a> that appeared when I surrendered to disappointment.\u00a0 That\u2019s the sort of transformation that Greenspan<\/a> talks about.\u00a0 I suppose if one could get skilled at allowing these emotions to move, it would not be so upsetting that they keep coming back again and again.\u00a0 I imagine\/hope that I can be completely free of them \u2014 that\u2019s what I thought last summer \u2014 Dave tried to warn me, but of course in the up place the downs don\u2019t look like a big deal.\u00a0 Somehow I have to find a balance \u2014 enough little joys every day to strengthen me for the inevitable losses and disappointments.<\/p>\n The Oratorium Cd is the Oratorium in Memory of the Armenian Genocide of 1915. Dave Berger was a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner I saw in Concord for a while.<\/p>\n COA – Children of Alcoholics<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" October 2003 Put on the Oratorium CD.\u00a0 Sitting on the floor, moving with grief, pain in the heart, lack of hope \u2014 walking out into the desert with the fragments of a culture, knowing that it\u2019s most likely I will … Continue reading
\nRecording<\/a>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Blog post about the music<\/a><\/p>\n