I’ve been reading my journal for 2003. \u00a0For several years I had just been typing up the guidance writings, but in 2003 I started typing up more from my life. \u00a0This was written in October 2003<\/p>\n
Feeling so sad about the state of our planet \u2014 the enormous numbers who are suffering from war, famine, refugees, and all the animals & plants that we are destroying in our greed and ignorance.\u00a0 I can feel how much I love the earth and how sad I am because of all the suffering.\u00a0 I need us to be acknowledging our interdependence, and cooperating for the greater good of all of us.\u00a0 I had a strong sense of oneness \u2014 how what we do to the creatures we do to ourselves.\u00a0 I have a feeling of carrying the planet \u2014 our desperately wounded planet \u2014 in my heart.\u00a0 I\u2019m staying with the sadness as best I can while going on with the housework.\u00a0 I feel the fear that just staying with it, and not doing anything to change it, means I\u2019ll stay stuck in the sadness.\u00a0 Bring compassion to that fear.<\/p>\n
Feeling pretty bummed out.\u00a0 Can\u2019t tell any more if I\u2019m sincerely staying with my pain about the world or if I\u2019ve just got lost in my own misery.\u00a0 Bring compassion to the misery, bring compassion to the sadness.\u00a0 There, there, Jenny, you\u2019ve been frightened and sad this morning, easily upset… \u00a0 And the phone rang, and it was Kayla.\u00a0 I told her what was going on for me and she gave me a quote from Pema Chodron<\/a>: \u201cThe problem is that the desire to change is fundamentally a form of aggression toward yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
Paid all the bills.\u00a0 Got in trouble trying to reconcile the account in the computer \u2014 failed to check off one deposit \u2014 didn\u2019t see how to go back and change it.\u00a0 Burst into tears and I continue to feel upset.\u00a0 I think I must be very angry at myself \u2014 first for making the mistake and then for letting it upset me so much.\u00a0 I tried reading Pema Chodron (Things Fall Apart<\/a>) but it didn\u2019t help.\u00a0 Just another assignment that I\u2019m failing at.\u00a0 She talks about seeing ourselves with both clarity and kindness \u2014 and I think I\u2019m doing that and it\u2019s hard work and it doesn\u2019t make me feel any better. I want to feel better. \u00a0 I want to be a different kind of person.\u00a0 I want to be able to live in the moment \u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
Actually, I\u2019m not looking at myself with clarity \u2014 I\u2019m too caught up in how awful I am and how painful it is to be me.\u00a0 I feel like I\u2019m just grinding myself down, and I don\u2019t know how to stop it.<\/p>\n
Dear Spirits, I\u2019m so angry at myself for creating all this misery.\u00a0 Please help me!\u00a0 Please!<\/p>\n
Dear Jenny, you are being much too hard on yourself.\u00a0 This is why you really need a spiritual community \u2014 it is just too hard to do this work all by yourself, and too easy to fall into this horrible tight spiral of trying too hard and making yourself wrong.\u00a0 Dear Jenny, we love you very much.\u00a0 We are all around you holding out our love.\u00a0 It\u2019s OK to collapse completely, it\u2019s OK to stop struggling to be better than you are.\u00a0 You are doing just fine, stumbling around, getting the bills paid, making mistakes, being unable to get yourself up off the floor.\u00a0 You need a break.\u00a0 Something completely different like running downtown with the mail & then take the dog for a little walk\u00a0 \u2014 a minimal walk is OK.<\/p>\n
Did that.\u00a0 Felt scared the whole walk.\u00a0 I\u2019m so sad to be unable to enjoy a beautiful day like today.\u00a0 At least I was able to enjoy my two walks yesterday.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’ve been reading my journal for 2003. \u00a0For several years I had just been typing up the guidance writings, but in 2003 I started typing up more from my life. \u00a0This was written in October 2003 Feeling so sad about … Continue reading