{"id":5524,"date":"2017-06-22T09:32:40","date_gmt":"2017-06-22T13:32:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5524"},"modified":"2017-06-22T09:32:40","modified_gmt":"2017-06-22T13:32:40","slug":"working-with-uncomfortable-physical-sensations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5524","title":{"rendered":"Working with Uncomfortable Physical Sensations"},"content":{"rendered":"

The situation: I bought a car for my friend Eleanor, because the one she was driving has bad brakes that may go anytime. \u00a0I am also in the final stages of applying to Kendal, a retirement community that will provide me with the container I need to be able to live any kind of life. \u00a0 More about Kendal<\/a> and the characteristics of a container<\/a> that works for me.<\/p>\n

Session with Erica.\u00a0 I\u2019m upset and cry a lot.\u00a0 She asks if I can have compassion for my younger self \u2014 who bought the car a week ago, and Eleanor\u2019s younger self \u2014 the one who wasn\u2019t able to hold on to her knowing that she needed more time.<\/p>\n

To buy a car and go to Kendal on the same day is too much.\u00a0 But the mechanism of \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d came into play.\u00a0 I don\u2019t see that either one of them is a big deal,\u00a0much less doing them both.<\/p>\n

Kendal was enough complexity \u2014 I didn\u2019t need more<\/p>\n

The one who bought the car was the child with no parents \u2014she has to make the decision or it won\u2019t get made.<\/p>\n

Maybe angry at Eleanor?\u00a0 \u00a0 That thought causes enormous pain.<\/p>\n

Erica suggests that I\u2019m angry about having to take care of younger children without support, which was the situation when I was a child.\u00a0 Maybe 7 years old.\u00a0 I\u2019m not angry at Eleanor, but at the situation.<\/p>\n

This is really hard<\/span>.\u00a0 This house is too much for me<\/p>\n

Complex situation \u00a0 \u00a0 I am overwhelmed \u2014 can\u2019t tell I\u2019m overwhelmed. \u00a0It\u2019s false for me to take ownership of this whole thing. \u00a0\u201cThis is all my fault\u201d that\u2019s 12 yr old or younger Jenny<\/p>\n

Overwhelmed and under-resourced.\u00a0 Can\u2019t ask for help. \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m fine\u201d is denial of overwhelm & lack of resource. \u00a0Nobody to turn to and say \u201cThis is too much for me,\u00a0I need help.\u201d<\/p>\n

Erica says I should answer these two questions:
\n\u201cWhat is my responsibility in this?\u201d
\n\u201cWhat is true?\u201d<\/p>\n

I came back from the therapy session feeling upset and confused, not seeing any way to make things work out. \u00a0Slept badly, woke up early, feeling tangled pain. \u00a0Wrote about it in my journal.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m doing really badly.\u00a0 Finding it hard to get into words.\u00a0 In fact it isn\u2019t in words.\u00a0 I try to focus on my breath and feel major discomfort.\u00a0 If there were words they would be \u201cEleanor\u201d and \u201ccar\u201d but it\u2019s more of a tangle than that.\u00a0 There\u2019s a kind of ache in my chest, not just my heart, it fills my lung space.\u00a0 Then there\u2019s a kind of tension down my sides, possibly an attempt to pull my shoulders forward and down.\u00a0 There\u2019s discomfort in my jaw, not exactly tension, maybe it wants to do something? yell?\u00a0 There\u2019s a kind of tension just under my ears, in the corner of my jaw, and it runs up the sides of my face to my eyes.\u00a0 There\u2019s tension around my eyes & they feel dry and burning.\u00a0 Sitting quietly, what\u2019s most obvious is the tension in my jaw and around my ears.\u00a0 Now I feel something under my tongue (distracted by thoughts of a PriusC) (distracted by thoughts of money & trouble accessing my accounts)\u00a0 lump in my throat? needing to cry? or vomit?\u00a0 What\u2019s coming is I have to get something out, something inside me that\u2019s causing me extreme discomfort.\u00a0 What does it need?\u00a0 lump in my throat says \u201csomeone to listen.\u201d\u00a0 Erica and Karen and Barbara are probably the only people I feel safe with to open up.\u00a0 I ask \u201cIs this about grief?\u201d and get an affirmation.\u00a0 It\u2019s about making things difficult for the person I probably love the most, and not knowing what to do about it.\u00a0 It\u2019s worry about what\u2019s going to happen to her when I sell my house.\u00a0 It\u2019s pain that taking care of myself means letting her down.\u00a0 It\u2019s worry that my financial situation isn\u2019t good enough to get me into Kendal.<\/p>\n

There are a lot of unknowns here.<\/p>\n

What is my responsibility in this?\u00a0 To take care of myself adequately so that I can function, so that I can make good decisions.\u00a0 Especially about resisting pressure (from myself and others) and giving myself enough time.\u00a0 To recognize how easily I go into denial about how hard things are for me to do.\u00a0 To have enough self-knowledge, and grounding in myself, to be able to see when something is too much for me.\u00a0 Or to say \u201cI don\u2019t know what to do.\u00a0 I need more time.\u201d<\/p>\n

What is true?\u00a0 That I have to move to a place where I feel contained enough because I have no \u201ccalmly abiding center,\u201d and I don\u2019t know how long it will take to create one, with Erica\u2019s help \u2014 can\u2019t do this alone \u2014 or if it\u2019s even possible to create such a thing.\u00a0 I think again how Kendal can be an ashram for me, with Erica as my guide and teacher.\u00a0 What else is true?\u00a0 I love Eleanor and want what\u2019s best for her.\u00a0 What\u2019s tricky about negotiating our going different ways is what I learned from Mother: that if I don\u2019t do what you need and want me to, then I don\u2019t care about you.\u00a0 For her they were the same.\u00a0 But that\u2019s not true of living.\u00a0 You can care very much about someone, and yet taking care of yourself adequately may mean letting them down.\u00a0 And there\u2019s nothing I can do about it.\u00a0 I have enough money to buy my way into Kendal, but not enough to help my friends who don\u2019t have anything to fall back on.\u00a0 And it hurts like hell.\u00a0 I feel that in my heart.\u00a0 And I\u2019m angry, angry, angry that it has to be this way.\u00a0 For now, and no hope on the horizon with Trump and the Republicans.\u00a0 It\u2019s a really painful situation and I just have to bear it with as much grace as possible.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The situation: I bought a car for my friend Eleanor, because the one she was driving has bad brakes that may go anytime. \u00a0I am also in the final stages of applying to Kendal, a retirement community that will provide … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,11,7,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5524","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-present-day","category-somatic-experiencing","category-spirit"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5524","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5524"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5524\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5524"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5524"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5524"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}