Feeling pretty good this morning.\u00a0 (!)\u00a0 I think it\u2019s from the realization that my life, just as it is, is worthwhile.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard, but I don\u2019t mind hard if I\u2019m doing something meaningful.\u00a0 A job worth doing.\u00a0 Before doing the work with my grandmother patches, I thought I had to get better before I could begin to help other people.\u00a0 But that\u2019s not true.\u00a0 Just as I am, I help people \u2014 a number of them have said so.\u00a0 My struggle, when it\u2019s visible, helps other people.\u00a0 And even when it\u2019s not visible, I carry the energy of honesty and openness.<\/p>\n
I was thinking yesterday that I have lived my whole life by my values: honesty, integrity, standing up for the underdog.\u00a0 As I struggled with baffled pain, depression, terror, feeling worthless, I still had a deep commitment to those values.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t include love because I didn\u2019t think I was capable of love.<\/p>\n
It occurs to me that if I read the 4th of July Monologue<\/a> in the light of what Elizabeth Goudge<\/a> says of love, that it\u2019s not some nice thing that you feel, it\u2019s some hard thing that you do, then I can see love in action in how I took care of my parents that weekend.<\/p>\n I can see that kindness is something I value, although it was more motivated by just wanting to not hurt anybody.\u00a0 But then, as a young child, I wrote the story of the Wonder Flower<\/a> who says to the King \u201cYou are not kind.\u201d\u00a0 Certainly I knew about kindness and valued it.<\/p>\n I read the pieces to Erica about seeing that my life was worthwhile.\u00a0 She reminded me of what Bessel Van Der Kolk said about people struggling with PTSD, that they have not been able to take ownership of their lives.<\/p>\n Van der Kolk \u201cThe big issue for traumatized people is they don\u2019t own themselves any more.\u00a0 Any loud sound, anybody insulting them, hurting them, saying bad things, can hijack them away from themselves.\u00a0 And so what we have learned is that what makes you resilient to trauma is to own yourself fully.\u201d\u00a0 Interview with Krista Tippett, in Becoming Wise<\/a>, p88.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Seeing my life as a whole, seeing that I have learned a lot of valuable things from my struggle with PTSD, has made a huge difference, seeing that just working to heal my own PTSD is worthwhile.<\/p>\n It reminds me of a time when my brother Jack, the recovering alcoholic who has 8 years sobriety, was talking about asking God for guidance and help every day. \u00a0I said I did it too, and usually got “You’re doing just fine,” which didn’t help, just made me feel like I’m doing something easy. \u00a0I said to Jack that I wanted a bigger challenge in my life. \u00a0And God said “PTSD isn’t challenging enough for you?” \u00a0Which made me laugh. But now I see the truth of it. \u00a0Could I have a more worthwhile life?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Feeling pretty good this morning.\u00a0 (!)\u00a0 I think it\u2019s from the realization that my life, just as it is, is worthwhile.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard, but I don\u2019t mind hard if I\u2019m doing something meaningful.\u00a0 A job worth doing.\u00a0 Before doing the … Continue reading