Sunday, April 28<\/p>\n
I\u2019m going through a very difficult time.\u00a0 The bad news from the outer world doesn\u2019t help at all.\u00a0 I feel like I\u2019m living in a war zone.\u00a0 I am<\/span> living in a war zone, between the people whose greed threatens to destroy the planet, and the rest of us who are trying desperately to save things that matter to us.<\/p>\n What\u2019s happening now is I don\u2019t know who I am and I don\u2019t know what I want.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how I don\u2019t know, there\u2019s no response from my body.\u00a0 If I ask inside \u201cDo you want to take a shower and wash your hair?\u201d the answer is a kind of heaviness, a deep exhaustion.\u00a0 I force myself to undress and get in the shower because it has to be done.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t had a shower for a week.\u00a0 Then I wash the dishes, not because I want to, but because they have to be done (I have no bowls left) and the hot water is already halfway to the kitchen because I took a shower.<\/p>\n I couldn\u2019t decide what I wanted for lunch.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t want what was available.\u00a0 I finally settled on blueberries with soy creamer, and toast with nut butter.\u00a0 I think part of the problem is I know I have to eat, by looking at the clock, but I feel nauseous instead of hungry because I\u2019ve waited too long.\u00a0 Then I eat what little I can get down, and it\u2019s not enough.\u00a0 I think that\u2019s why I fell.<\/p>\n After \u201clunch\u201d I walked the dog because it had to be done.\u00a0 Actually, I care about Mocha, so it\u2019s something I want to do, and easier to force myself.\u00a0 I was hoping it would help ground me.\u00a0 But just as I was starting across the bridge, I tripped and fell.\u00a0 At least I crumpled, instead of falling straight so I didn\u2019t hurt myself.\u00a0 Someone kindly helped me up.\u00a0 I walked all the way to the second \u201cfir gate\u201d (my own landmark) with most of my attention on my feet.\u00a0 Then I drove\u00a0in to the Co-op to buy food.\u00a0 Mostly for Eleanor, but some things I had forgotten the last time I went.<\/p>\n When I got home, I collapsed on the couch.\u00a0 I had a cup of tea, and then read, typed journal, and played Solitaire, which are my default \u201cmindless practices\u201d when I just need a break.<\/p>\n Today there are all kinds of things I \u201cshould\u201d do.\u00a0 But I\u2019m giving myself a REAL break by working on a puzzle a friend gave me, and printing out journal which I haven\u2019t kept up with.\u00a0 Alas, the ink has run out and I have to be feeling a little more together to change the ink.<\/p>\n That’s how it is today.<\/p>\n I should add that I\u2019ve been in this state a number of times over the last couple of months.\u00a0 It\u2019s partly getting on the \u201cready list\u201d at Kendal.\u00a0 I\u2019m not living here in Franconia any more, but I\u2019m not living at Kendal yet.\u00a0 The other cause is being too much alone and falling into the apathy state of an abandoned baby.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Sunday, April 28 I\u2019m going through a very difficult time.\u00a0 The bad news from the outer world doesn\u2019t help at all.\u00a0 I feel like I\u2019m living in a war zone.\u00a0 I am living in a war zone, between the people … Continue reading