I spent my time with Erica talking about the good things that I\u2019ve been doing spontaneously: taking apart the puzzle that\u2019s been there for three months, playing music that I haven\u2019t listened to for years, starting to meditate regularly, being able to work on the patches alone, seeing that I can create a good life for myself at Kendal.<\/p>\n
Work on the patches for the Grandmother Ceremony has somehow helped me integrate the pieces of my life.\u00a0 Something else that\u2019s been happening deep down inside.\u00a0 As I created the patches, and placed them in relationship, I saw how they interconnected.<\/p>\n
The strangest thing of all is looking in the mirror and seeing an attractive person.<\/p>\n
I told Erica about the pattern that Francis Weller<\/a> talked about: insight \u2014> endurance \u2014> action.\u00a0 Now, as I look back, I see that, more than a year ago, I had\u00a0a series of insights beginning with \u201cmy depression is not my fault.\u201d\u00a0 Another major one was seeing that I am a good person.\u00a0 It\u2019s very odd how it just appeared one day, as a solid knowing.\u00a0 I never actually thought of myself as a bad person, I said things like \u201cNobody ever loved me and nobody ever will.\u201d\u00a0 I thought of myself as \u201cworthless and rotten,\u201d thought I \u201cnever do anything right.\u201d\u00a0 I believed that I didn\u2019t deserve to live.\u00a0 But the truth is that I never did anything mean to anybody.\u00a0 Part of this new understanding might have been because of looking back and seeing that I have no regrets, that all the things I did that were not very wise were done because I didn\u2019t have enough information.<\/p>\n I think this process began long ago, with Elizabeth\u2019s letter about my \u201ccommitment,\u201d \u201cvision,\u201d and \u201cgenerosity.\u201d\u00a0 My first reaction was that it wasn\u2019t true but the scientist in me presented evidence for all three.\u00a0 Then there was Jalaja\u2019s letter<\/a>\u00a0in response to a post, where she talks about \u201cthe depths to which you are journeying\u201d and my \u201cpassion, devotion, creativity, and sweetness.\u201d\u00a0 These words struck me so powerfully as an exact description of myself, that I could not deny or disappear them.<\/p>\n All of these understandings were pretty solid, but a little bit disappointing in that I didn\u2019t feel any better.\u00a0 I wanted to feel warm and relaxed, connected and sharing, and instead I felt scared, frozen, or empty.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been through months \u2014 well really it\u2019s years \u2014 years of feeling depressed and miserable, and trying to push it away.\u00a0 Then years of trying to \u201cbe with\u201d the difficult feelings with both success and failure.\u00a0 This last year the grief work showed me that most of my pain was not about me at all, but was about the painful things that are happening in the world I love.<\/p>\n The long stretch of what Francis called \u201cendurance\u201d was this period after the\u00a0positive intellectual insights. \u00a0It was a long hard time of trying to hang out with painful and confusing feelings. \u00a0Working as hard as I could to just be with, and bring compassion to, almost unbearably painful feelings.\u00a0 Actually those feelings were unbearable to the baby I was, which is why she got traumatized. \u00a0To be able to feel them now I need the support of my therapist.<\/p>\n Then, suddenly, action.\u00a0 I\u2019m acting in new ways.\u00a0 Not thinking about them first but just doing them.\u00a0 Thank You!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I spent my time with Erica talking about the good things that I\u2019ve been doing spontaneously: taking apart the puzzle that\u2019s been there for three months, playing music that I haven\u2019t listened to for years, starting to meditate regularly, being … Continue reading