This is a series of journal entries from June 2016. \u00a0I think it gives an immediate sense of what my life is like.<\/p>\n
Driving home it was a glorious day, blue sky, white clouds, green trees, enough breeze to make the leaves glitter.\u00a0 All I wanted to do was get home and hide.<\/p>\n
Woke up feeling so sad.\u00a0 Bright sun only makes it worse.\u00a0 I think about writing my journal in the dining room at Adelynrood, at Kripalu, at Rowe, where I feel safe.<\/p>\n
Nothing to say.\u00a0 I sat here yesterday, staring, not really thinking tho I can\u2019t call it meditation either.\u00a0 I look around my house and think how long the journey has been.\u00a0 Have I gotten anywhere in all this time?\u00a0 Have I gained any wisdom?<\/p>\n
Still feeling very strange.\u00a0 It\u2019s like I\u2019m not at home anywhere.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what to say.\u00a0 The bright sun on the bright green leaves and the blue sky are too much.\u00a0 I think of my friend Barbara pulling all the blinds to shut out the day.\u00a0 That\u2019s how I feel, wanting to hide, crawl into a cave.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what\u2019s happened to me.\u00a0 Maybe I feel too exposed.\u00a0 I think I felt like this back in the California days.\u00a0 I tried to email Erica hoping it would help, but I haven\u2019t finished it.<\/p>\n
Dear Guides and Guardian spirits, I feel so strange.\u00a0 Please help me.<\/p>\n
Dear Jenny, we love you very much.\u00a0 You are going through a huge transition\/transformation.\u00a0 The lost feelings are part of it.\u00a0 Think of it as a vision quest.\u00a0 You are traveling through unknown and frightening territory.\u00a0 We are watching over you.\u00a0 Yes, you are scared, but all is going to be well.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I look at things that need to be done and don\u2019t have any energy or motivation.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if this is apathy or tiredness.\u00a0 \u201cI will just sit here, staring into the wind, until a solution opens.\u201d\u00a0 I think about getting out a puzzle, or paying bills, or brushing the dog…<\/p>\n
Thinking about trying to cook breakfast.\u00a0 I feel the fear \u2014 an empty hollow in my heart.\u00a0 A very low level version of \u201cshocked heart<\/a>.\u201d\u00a0 I wish someone would come and take care of me.<\/p>\n
Feeling spacey and strange.\u00a0 Being alone has suddenly gotten a hundred times harder.\u00a0 I feel very lost.\u00a0 I was OK when I was with Karen, and OK at the vigil last night.\u00a0 It was at the Episcopal church in Littleton, for the victims of the Orlando massacre.\u00a0 Different people read the names of the victims.\u00a0 We sang some hymns.\u00a0 Other people read poems or personal statements.<\/p>\n
Trying to find words\/\u201dfelt sense\u201d for \u201cnot quite there.\u201d\u00a0 When I try to feel my feet on the floor, my butt on the couch, they don\u2019t feel more connected when I put my attention there.\u00a0 Usually when I\u2019m trying to get \u201cresourced\u201d I feel more connected, feel myself sinking into the couch and the floor.\u00a0 It also feels a little as though my head is filled with kapok.\u00a0 There\u2019s a kind of hollow in my chest, emptiness.<\/p>\n
The quote about “staring into the wind” is from a time in 1969 when I had reached a dead end in a relationship.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This is a series of journal entries from June 2016. \u00a0I think it gives an immediate sense of what my life is like. Driving home it was a glorious day, blue sky, white clouds, green trees, enough breeze to make … Continue reading