I’ve been reading over my journal for 2016, trying to see if there’s any pattern to my life. \u00a0This was written in June. \u00a0It’s an example of how I work to understand something through writing.<\/p>\n
While I was at Barbara\u2019s, she was looking for a movie but we came upon a piece by Noam Chomsky<\/a>.\u00a0 He talked about how 70% of the people disagree with what the government is doing, but they have no power to change it.\u00a0 I found that very discouraging.\u00a0 Why keep fighting?\u00a0 Then I think about Eleanor\u2019s parents, who haven\u2019t money for a nursing home, would have to go into a state one, and they\u2019re horrible.\u00a0 That is so outrageous.\u00a0 The people with the money don\u2019t care because they can\u2019t make money off them.<\/p>\n Where is god in all this?\u00a0 It makes sense to me that god is in everything and so god is feeling their pain, feeling my pain, but that\u2019s an intellectual idea, not a felt sense.\u00a0 I want to say that the Universe is malevolent, life is meaningless, but I don\u2019t believe that.\u00a0 I do believe that Divine Process moves toward consciousness and compassion, I do believe that life is meaningful, but I haven\u2019t had an experience to confirm that.\u00a0 That\u2019s not true.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had a number of experiences of understanding what my life is about.\u00a0 They just don\u2019t last.<\/p>\n I wondered yesterday what would happen if I just stopped trying to make things different.\u00a0 What would that look like?\u00a0 Would I not water the plants?\u00a0 I did yesterday, finally.\u00a0 I\u2019ve thrown some out.\u00a0 Would I stop trying to take care of things?<\/p>\n I wanted to write Erica yesterday, I think because I was feeling so bad after our good talk on Friday.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been feeling that I should just stop complaining about my life \u2014 do I do that? \u2014 That\u2019s the confusion.\u00a0 Is paying attention to what I feel now just making everything worse?\u00a0 That\u2019s what I\u2019m struggling with, the feeling that I am doing it all wrong.\u00a0 I think there\u2019s also some anger, anger that I was given all these gifts to be given to the community, but I\u2019m not able to do it because …\u00a0 I\u2019m defective, cowardly, broken?\u00a0 I\u2019ve been seriously wounded and have to take care of myself and work for healing?\u00a0 I know that the feeling that I\u2019m \u201cdoing everything wrong\u201d is an old, old feeling, but also that when it happens I have no idea of what to do to be \u201cright.\u201d\u00a0 That sounds an awful lot like a child trying to figure out what would make a parent happy when that parent is determined to be unhappy.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re miserable because you want to be<\/a>.\u201d\u00a0 No, I don\u2019t want to be miserable, but I don\u2019t know what to do to change it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I’ve been reading over my journal for 2016, trying to see if there’s any pattern to my life. \u00a0This was written in June. \u00a0It’s an example of how I work to understand something through writing. While I was at Barbara\u2019s, … Continue reading