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<\/a>Little Jenny<\/p><\/div>\n
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<\/a>Little Jenny with the Dar Gorani look<\/p><\/div>\n
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<\/a>Jenny at 12<\/p><\/div>\n
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I don\u2019t feel very connected to the younger pictures of me. \u00a0Even though I\u2019ve been looking at them all week.<\/p>\n
The pain has moved to my heart.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what to do with this pain except sit with it.\u00a0 It\u2019s connected to looking at those three pictures \u2014 but am I feeling their sadness, or my own sadness knowing how much pain they are growing up into?\u00a0 Especially the vulnerable one.\u00a0 It hurts so much to see how easily she will be hurt.\u00a0 I look at her budding breasts and wonder if this is when Daddy was molesting me.\u00a0 That look could be that she\u2019s understood that he\u2019s not doing it because he loves her, that she can\u2019t protect herself, that she\u2019s not worthy of a loving person, but only for the sleazy ones to exploit.<\/p>\n
I told Erica that the piece I had written to Stravinsky was very dark, and I told her as much as I could remember of the Thomas Wolfe.\u00a0 I said I thought all those were about how I was feeling inside, but I didn\u2019t know it.\u00a0 She said you knew it, but you didn\u2019t know you knew it.\u00a0 I was thinking just now about Judy Collins\u2019 Albatross<\/a>, and the Song of the Wandering Aengus<\/a>.\u00a0 I\u2019m seeing now, that these expressions of pain come from a world where there are spirits, and spiritual energy, but there\u2019s no overarching universal Spirit that is loving and good.\u00a0 Where there are all kinds of emotions and feelings but no solid ground, no connections.\u00a0 No connection.\u00a0 That\u2019s what\u2019s missing in the songs, and even in the young Jenny faces.\u00a0 In the earlier ones, she is still hopeful of finding what she wants and needs, but it\u2019s not near her now, but in the sad and vulnerable one she\u2019s lost hope.<\/p>\n I sit with the pain some more, and then I want to throw my arms around the vulnerable one and comfort her.<\/p>\n When the pain\u2019s in my stomach, it\u2019s about safety.\u00a0 When it\u2019s in my heart, it\u2019s about love.\u00a0 As I\u2019m writing this I have a sense of a big container that\u2019s holding all of it.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad that\u2019s there, even though I don\u2019t connect with it, other than to sense its presence.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Wednesday, March 1 Tough morning.\u00a0 Very hard to get up.\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling grief \u2014 but it\u2019s more stuck grief \u2014 o god do I have to do this again?\u00a0 I prayed for help but nothing came.\u00a0 Yesterday\u2019s session with Erica … Continue reading