Saturday, January 14<\/p>\n
Woke up early feeling scared.\u00a0 Not terror \u2014 this is ordinary scared.\u00a0 In fact I\u2019m starting to wonder if how I\u2019ve been feeling the last couple of days isn\u2019t how I used to feel all the time.<\/p>\n
Erica told me yesterday about a poor little traumatized puppy who froze when people came near, felt like a stone.\u00a0 I think I must have been stiff when she sat there with her arm around me.\u00a0 She said I\u2019m doing well, asking for what I need, noticing things I might not have noticed before.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what she means.\u00a0 I feel like such a failure.<\/p>\n
Right now I can feel resistance in my body, though I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m resisting.\u00a0 I am trying to find compassion for myself, I think that would help a lot.\u00a0 But I can feel my anger at myself \u2014 for being caught in a baby state, for being unable to \u201cshape up\u201d and act like an adult.<\/p>\n
I try to step back and find compassion for myself, but all I find is \u201cshame and blame.\u201d\u00a0 What\u2019s the matter with you?\u00a0 Why are you telling everyone that you\u2019re \u201ccaught in a baby state\u201d?\u00a0 Asking for help, bothering people.\u00a0 You think you were so hard done by.\u00a0 You should be grateful for what you have for god\u2019s sake.\u00a0 Stop feeling sorry for yourself.\u00a0 The angry one turns her back and walks away.\u00a0 I see myself, very young, curled up on the floor and trying to stop crying.\u00a0 I remember a time when I actually hit myself to make myself stop crying.\u00a0 I feel my heart soften toward this abandoned child.\u00a0 I think about the frozen puppy and I just wince away.\u00a0 I don\u2019t<\/span> want to think about it.\u00a0 I have such a hard time when animals are being hurt.\u00a0 I wonder if I turn away from feeling how much Little Jenny is hurting?\u00a0 I wonder if this is what I\u2019m resisting?\u00a0 Or if the resistance I was feeling earlier is resistance to feeling my own pain because it\u2019s too painful?\u00a0 I think of those waves of intense pain when I pull myself into a crouch, and what I\u2019m really doing is stopping feeling the pain.\u00a0 I feel the beginnings of compassion for the woman whose pain is so intolerable, for that little girl on the floor trying to stop crying.\u00a0 I think that pain is so bad that I can only let myself feel it when I\u2019m with Erica.\u00a0 What\u2019s in the pain?\u00a0 Grief for never having known what it felt like to be loved, anger at being treated that way, fear of being punished if she speaks.\u00a0 O yes I can feel compassion for her caught in this tangle of emotions, not daring to speak out about what she is feeling.\u00a0 Also feeling ashamed that I don\u2019t have the energy to dress up appropriately for this weekend.We are doing our fundraiser for Standing Rock.\u00a0 I think of wearing black and red, then remember that my black pants are too tight.<\/p>\n O gosh I feel so much sadness for that poor little girl and for the adult woman too, feeling so much pain.<\/p>\n Afterthoughts: The times when I hit myself to make myself stop crying were when I was\u00a0between 6th grade and 10th grade. \u00a0I had stopped doing it when I started writing a journal. \u00a0The waves of intense pain pull me into a crouch as a way to express it, the movement of my body is NOT a way to stop feeling.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Saturday, January 14 Woke up early feeling scared.\u00a0 Not terror \u2014 this is ordinary scared.\u00a0 In fact I\u2019m starting to wonder if how I\u2019ve been feeling the last couple of days isn\u2019t how I used to feel all the time. … Continue reading