Thursday, January 5<\/p>\n
Feeling a little cranky, angry? unhappy?\u00a0 No, I think there\u2019s anger there.\u00a0 The old anger \u201cI have worked so hard for so long…\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m lost and confused.\u00a0 I don\u2019t understand what\u2019s going on with me.\u00a0 I\u2019m not even sure who I am.<\/p>\n
So I sat and paid attention to my breathing for a while.\u00a0 But I just kept feeling more and more sleepy.\u00a0 So then I thought maybe I should just lie down for a bit. \u00a0Then I thought what\u2019s next is to make a second cup of tea and take the things I have to take on an empty stomach \u2014 which are the calcium supplements and the iron \u2014 and I just don\u2019t want to do any of it.\u00a0 Then I asked myself how do I know\/decide what to do next?\u00a0 Usually I just follow my routine without questioning.\u00a0 Then I thought the next thing is to make a second cup of tea and write about all this.<\/p>\n
I was thinking that I have lost myself, fallen out of the story of my life, and wouldn\u2019t it be possible to meet the day as a new thing and start to explore what my life is now?\u00a0 A fresh start.\u00a0 But it doesn\u2019t feel like a fresh start.\u00a0 It feels like I\u2019ve crashed and burned and am just lying here in the ruins \u2014 no, that\u2019s not the right metaphor \u2014 flung from the vehicle as it crashes and burns.\u00a0 Now, how do I pick up the threads of my life?\u00a0 What do I want<\/span>?\u00a0 What I want is to have some sense of central flow, or a path or a direction.\u00a0 What would that feel like?\u00a0 I would feel like I was being carried by something bigger than myself, and that there would be clear guidance for what to do next.<\/p>\n Thinking about my sister reading the 4th July monologue<\/a>, and going through old pictures with Christia and finding the one of all of us on the terrace for Dad\u2019s 70th birthday, and showing her the Torah of Jenny<\/a> \u2014 thinking of the things left out of the Torah \u2014 marriage, divorce, dad\u2019s death…\u00a0 I see an image of stuff being shaken up, shaken loose, stuff from the past, that\u2019s been all packed together, being shaken up, shaken apart, so I can decide what to keep and what to get rid of.\u00a0 It\u2019s a time out to deal with the past.\u00a0 There\u2019s a way in which I never have dealt with it.\u00a0 I have no positive\u00a0memories of the past, no good places to revisit.\u00a0 I\u2019ve always pushed on ahead, trying to get away from the pain, trying to find a life that worked for me, trying to heal those early deep wounds.\u00a0 I see that I want\/need a container, a hospital or a nunnery, where there are other people around, where meals are prepared, so I can stop fighting the daily battle and turn my energy to integrating the past.\u00a0 I see it as being like traumatized memory, undigested fragments and chunks, no coherent story.\u00a0 So my job is to construct a meaningful & coherent & usable narrative of my life.<\/p>\n After breakfast.\u00a0 I see that I took a break from my life by really losing myself in books, but on emerging I don\u2019t feel rested and refreshed, I\u2019m still tired and lost.<\/p>\n What do I want<\/span> to do.\u00a0 A question I ask only rarely.\u00a0 Usually it\u2019s what do I have to do, what\u2019s next on the schedule.\u00a0 If it could be any way at all?\u00a0 I\u2019d be part of a group of people, and I\u2019d be OK.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Thursday, January 5 Feeling a little cranky, angry? unhappy?\u00a0 No, I think there\u2019s anger there.\u00a0 The old anger \u201cI have worked so hard for so long…\u201d I\u2019m lost and confused.\u00a0 I don\u2019t understand what\u2019s going on with me.\u00a0 I\u2019m not … Continue reading