Written a month ago, but explains very well what I’m feeling now.<\/p>\n
Feeling a little wobbly and a little nauseous.\u00a0 Gosh \u2014 I feel scattered and confused.\u00a0 What does it need?\u00a0 A container.\u00a0 Can\u2019t seem to focus or to collect myself.<\/p>\n
Spent most of yesterday reading Rosamunde Pilcher<\/a>, \u201cVoices in Summer.\u201d\u00a0 One I hadn\u2019t read before.\u00a0 I was able to really disappear into it.\u00a0 Before I talked to Erica I started reading my journal from the beginning of 2016.\u00a0 That was intense.\u00a0 So much was going on.\u00a0 I felt a little overwhelmed with my own life \u2014 that\u2019s a little how I\u2019m feeling now.\u00a0 That my life is bigger than I can contain.\u00a0 I want to be focused and flowing in some definite channel and instead I\u2019m all over the place.\u00a0 Perhaps I seriously need to be meditating.<\/p>\n At the beginning of last\u00a0year I was beginning to get it that the person Erica sees may be closer to who I am, than the person I experience.\u00a0 I was also reciting \u201cpeace, love, etc.\u201d\u00a0 I see that I start a practice and then lose it, and then start it again…\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what to do with that.\u00a0 I need some kind of consistent, daily practice.\u00a0 Actually I thought this writing\u00a0 was my practice, but it hadn\u2019t really been working the last few days.\u00a0 I sit and think odd disjointed partial thoughts and don\u2019t write.<\/p>\n I remember once, when I had gone back and read part of my journal [this was years ago] and I saw how it made a shape, how writing each day its own truth, still resulted in a whole, not a jumble.<\/p>\n I\u2019m feeling like my life has got away from me, and I\u2019m very uncomfortable with this, but some part of me is wondering if I can\u2019t just be<\/span> with<\/span> this and not try to figure it out or close it down.\u00a0 I see that I\u2019m not trusting the process.\u00a0 I also wonder if, instead of trying to pin it down, I were to look at it as a question of finding out who I am now<\/span>.<\/p>\n What do I know about this person?\u00a0 She cares, she cares about the Earth in all its wholeness, she cares about people who are marginalized, treated without compassion, all those who are suffering \u2014 I was reading in my journal for January 2016 what Father Greg<\/a> says about those people.\u00a0 I feel so much pain for them.\u00a0 It\u2019s so unjust what is happening.\u00a0 I care about truth, peace, compassion.\u00a0 I want to have deep, rich, honest relationships with people.\u00a0 I want to do good in the world.\u00a0 That<\/span> is what\u2019s important.<\/p>\n From January 24, 2016:\u00a0 I will manage, or I will die.\u00a0 I will live with integrity and kindness, doing my best to be in the present with compassion.<\/p>\n I think what\u2019s making me feel uncomfortably diffuse is that I\u2019ve stopped trying to keep track of every detail.\u00a0 Stopped trying to be in control.\u00a0 No wonder it feels disconcerting.\u00a0 but I think it\u2019s a very good thing.<\/p>\n David Whyte<\/a> on anger:\u00a0 \u201c… the incoherent physical incapacity to sustain this deep form of care in our outer daily life; the unwillingness to be large enough and generous enough to hold what we love helplessly in our bodies or our mind with the clarity and breadth of our whole being.\u201d\u00a0 I think that describes very well how I\u2019ve been feeling \u2014 \u201cincoherent,\u201d \u201cto hold what we love helplessly.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Written a month ago, but explains very well what I’m feeling now. Feeling a little wobbly and a little nauseous.\u00a0 Gosh \u2014 I feel scattered and confused.\u00a0 What does it need?\u00a0 A container.\u00a0 Can\u2019t seem to focus or to collect … Continue reading