{"id":5403,"date":"2017-02-08T12:17:33","date_gmt":"2017-02-08T17:17:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5403"},"modified":"2017-02-08T12:17:33","modified_gmt":"2017-02-08T17:17:33","slug":"utterly-defeated-by-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5403","title":{"rendered":"Utterly Defeated by Life"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’m feeling utterly defeated by life. \u00a0It takes every scrap of will I have to get up and go through my morning routine. \u00a0I no longer do my stretches because I take the dog out during that time. \u00a0I’m pretty much non-functional when I’m alone. \u00a0I’m triggered into the state of a baby left alone: apathetic and helpless. \u00a0Truly<\/span> helpless.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been trying to reduce my dose of Ativan because studies have shown that it\u2019s not good for your brain as you get older.\u00a0 In the last year and a half I\u2019ve managed to get my dose down from 1.0 mg to .25 mg.\u00a0 But getting down to zero is much harder than I expected.\u00a0 I had to take Ativan last night, so I haven\u2019t managed to lower it at all.\u00a0 Very discouraging.\u00a0 I\u2019m wondering if I should wait until the weather\u2019s warmer and I have some way to be with more people.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m wishing I had what Renee Yohe<\/a> had, a group of friends who would stay with me and support me while I withdraw from Ativan.<\/p>\n

It’s possible that the very hard time I’m having now is related to the effort to get off a drug. \u00a0The political idiocy also weighs me down.<\/p>\n

O Great Spirit, please help me.\u00a0 Please help Eleanor.\u00a0 May I be filled with lovingkindness.\u00a0 O Great Spirit, I want to serve you, I want to do your will, I want to do good in the world, I want to help in this time of great crisis.<\/p>\n

I just read through Erica\u2019s suggestions for things I might do to help myself and can\u2019t imagine being able to carry them out.\u00a0 I need a practice that\u2019s very simple.\u00a0 Maybe trying to find compassion for myself should be my practice.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s painful to see how quickly I come down from my excitement about Jalaja\u2019s book<\/a> and Andrew Harvey\u2019s<\/a>.\u00a0 I was thinking about when I was married to Dana, and severely depressed and suffering from the airplane phobia<\/a>, and reading Agatha Christie mysteries over and over again.\u00a0 I look at that woman and my heart goes out to her.\u00a0 So much life unlived \u2014 and I had so much to give, but didn\u2019t believe in it, and didn\u2019t know how much help I needed, to get the slide show<\/a> out into the world for example.\u00a0 I wanted passion and color and engagement, and some way to make a positive difference in the world, and I had no idea what I was up against.\u00a0 I feel such pain \u2014 grief and anger \u2014 for that woman who was unable to open her gifts and share them with the world and blamed herself for being lazy and cowardly.<\/p>\n

Of course the other thing that\u2019s being so hard is Eleanor’s\u00a0having a hard hard time and there\u2019s nothing I can do to help her, and Mocha is scratching worse and I don\u2019t know what to do for her.\u00a0 I can\u2019t do anything to help these two beings who I love very much.\u00a0 My helplessness is so painful and brings me down too.<\/p>\n

I am totally at the end of my resources. \u00a0There’s nothing left.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m feeling utterly defeated by life. \u00a0It takes every scrap of will I have to get up and go through my morning routine. \u00a0I no longer do my stretches because I take the dog out during that time. \u00a0I’m pretty … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5403","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5403","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5403"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5403\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5403"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5403"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5403"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}