{"id":5400,"date":"2017-02-02T10:03:32","date_gmt":"2017-02-02T15:03:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5400"},"modified":"2017-02-02T10:03:32","modified_gmt":"2017-02-02T15:03:32","slug":"struggle-to-lift-my-heart","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5400","title":{"rendered":"Struggle to Lift My Heart"},"content":{"rendered":"

Rosten, quoted by Fox, in Hildegard<\/a>:\u00a0 \u201cThe purpose of life is not to be happy.\u00a0 The purpose of life is to matter; to have it make a difference that you lived at all.\u201d\u00a0 p xi<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I like that a lot, and it would really lift my spirits if I could really<\/span> get<\/span> that I have done things that matter, that I have made a difference.\u00a0 It feels like I can see it as though through a glass wall, that I can almost know that I have made a difference, but I can\u2019t feel it in the way that makes it real.<\/p>\n

Fox talks about how our knowledge of the Divine is experiential.\u00a0 I find that painful because I\u2019ve had so few experiences of the Spiritual.\u00a0 Right now my heart is feeling squeezed.\u00a0 I got an email \u201cGame over for the bees,\u201d and I meant to donate $5 but I don\u2019t think it actually went through.\u00a0 That just makes me hurt more.\u00a0 [Later I got an email saying my gift had got processed.]\u00a0 I love so many things, like the bees, and I just see them getting trashed.\u00a0 I look at this person who hurts because she loves, and how much she wants good for everybody, and the pain she\u2019s in because she feels helpless \u2014 and I want to find compassion for her but I can\u2019t do it.\u00a0 \u201cEndure without relief.\u201d\u00a0 Endure this feeling of loneliness, helplessness, lack of love, unable to believe that anyone would ever come and help.\u00a0 I had a momentary image of a number of beings with wings landing on the other couch.\u00a0 I \u201cknow\u201d they care about me, but my heart doesn\u2019t lift, and only when my heart lifts, do I get that it\u2019s something real.<\/p>\n

A friend sent me this awhile ago.\u00a0 I found it somewhat comforting, but most of the time I can\u2019t really connect with a \u201cheaven\u201d that cares about me.<\/p>\n

A Prayer
\nRefuse to fall down.
\nIf you cannot refuse to fall down,
\nrefuse to stay down.
\nIf you cannot refuse to stay down,
\nlift your heart toward heaven,
\nand like a hungry beggar,
\nask that it be filled,
\nand it will be filled.
\nYou may be pushed down.
\nYou may be kept from rising.
\nBut no one can keep you
\nfrom lifting your heart
\ntoward heaven \u2013
\nonly you.
\nIt is in the middle of misery
\nthat so much becomes clear.
\nThe one who says nothing good
\ncame of this,
\nis not yet listening.<\/p>\n

Clarissa Pinkola Estes<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Monday<\/p>\n

Woke up feeling painfully lonely.\u00a0 Tried to meditate but couldn\u2019t hold on to anything.\u00a0 It came to me that this is a passage, that I am<\/span> moving.\u00a0 Yesterday it felt like I was completely flattened.\u00a0 Not only could I not get up, I couldn\u2019t even hold my heart up to heaven and ask that it be filled.\u00a0 I was angry at myself for being defeated.\u00a0 At the same time, I was angry at those who say you must help the downtrodden \u2014 where are you when I need you?\u00a0 It was a pretty bad day, one of the worst.<\/p>\n

While I was walking the dog I asked for help, and my heart got warm.\u00a0 I said \u201cThank You.\u201d\u00a0 Later I asked for help again, but nothing happened.\u00a0 Sitting here writing, I feel angry at myself again.\u00a0 How dare you complain?\u00a0 You are warm and sheltered, you have food to eat, etc.\u00a0 Yes, but I was traumatized as a baby, and that has made my life very difficult.\u00a0 I need more support than I have to be able to do more than the bare minimum of cooking and eating and washing dishes, taking care of the dog, paying bills.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t been able to do laundry, or make important phone calls, or even do something that makes a difference.<\/p>\n

That reminds me that one good friend\u2019s away, that I called three friends yesterday, left messages, but they never called back.\u00a0 That\u2019s a lot of triggers.\u00a0 I did send Judy a thank you for the note I found \u2014 and she came to dance!\u00a0 That did warm my heart.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Rosten, quoted by Fox, in Hildegard:\u00a0 \u201cThe purpose of life is not to be happy.\u00a0 The purpose of life is to matter; to have it make a difference that you lived at all.\u201d\u00a0 p xi I like that a lot, … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,11,14,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5400","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-present-day","category-spirit","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5400","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5400"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5400\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5400"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5400"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5400"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}