{"id":5397,"date":"2017-01-29T08:25:35","date_gmt":"2017-01-29T13:25:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5397"},"modified":"2017-01-29T08:25:35","modified_gmt":"2017-01-29T13:25:35","slug":"endure-without-relief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5397","title":{"rendered":"Endure without Relief"},"content":{"rendered":"

Grey again and another dusting of snow.\u00a0 It feels like it has been like this for weeks.<\/p>\n

Woke up feeling very lonely.\u00a0 Tried without success to feel love for people I know I love.\u00a0 So instead of avoiding I have to just sit with it.\u00a0 There must be a lot of people out there \u2014 elderly ladies living alone \u2014 who feel like this.\u00a0 And babies left alone too long.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve read three Hillerman<\/a> novels in two days.\u00a0 At one point yesterday I had a horrible moment of falling into a very bleak world view.\u00a0 I managed to pull back out of it, but I saw that I was \u201cwallowing.\u201d\u00a0 So I decided I\u2019d better shape up.\u00a0 Those are the words that came but really they sound like conforming to someone else\u2019s judgement.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t \u201cwallowing,\u201d I was too tired to make an effort, and angry at myself.\u00a0 What I want to do is take charge of my life again.\u00a0 Today I want to wash my hair, wash the dishes and change my bed.\u00a0 Taking care of myself is one of those things that becomes impossible when I am triggered.\u00a0 Even if I keep feeling painfully lonely, I can still do those things.\u00a0 Actually, I think this is the first morning in about a week that I haven\u2019t woken up exhausted.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been thinking about Erica\u2019s words \u201cendure without relief.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s the center of the attachment wound.\u00a0 I think I\u2019ve felt that most of my life.\u00a0 That\u2019s what fueled my constant, desperate search for a boyfriend.\u00a0 Now I\u2019ll just sit with it.\u00a0 I will endure without relief.\u00a0 Interestingly, as soon as I say that, I see that relief is possible.\u00a0 Today, even, if I manage to get to St. Johnsbury for Circle Dancing.<\/p>\n

Second cup of tea.\u00a0 While it was brewing I moved some things on the landing and found a card with a baby seal on it.\u00a0 I was just going to throw it away, but thought I\u2019d check to see if there was any writing in it.\u00a0 It\u2019s a beautiful note from Judy Felsen.\u00a0 No date.\u00a0 I read it through and something in my heart resonated.\u00a0 I\u2019ll copy it so I won\u2019t lose it.<\/p>\n

Dearest Jen,<\/p>\n

You have done for all of us, what environmentalists and animal welfare groups are doing for this seal pup.\u00a0 You, Jen, have been, and are, saving the world\/humanity (sometimes from itself).<\/p>\n

I love you, as we all do, and daily I am thankful and offer gratitude for the gift of you to us.<\/p>\n

May the light you have shown us shine within and reflect to you your love, wisdom, care, empathy, generosity, and compassion.<\/p>\n

From my heart with all my love to you<\/p>\n

Your dance daughter, Judy<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Someone said that synchronicities are \u201cpostcards from God.\u201d\u00a0 Thank You!<\/p>\n

I have the feeling, as I have before, that the person she describes is real.\u00a0 She\u2019s not me, but she is my task to embody.\u00a0 I see the face of Baby Jenny, looking up with such eagerness to engage, she<\/span> is who I\u2019m bringing through and she<\/span> is who Judy sees.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Went back to check \u201cendure without relief\u201d against the attachment patterns.\u00a0 I fit under \u201cambivalently attached.\u201d\u00a0 This child \u201cexperiences the parent\u2019s communication as inconsistent and at times intrusive.\u201d \u00a0 Dan Siegel, Parenting from the Inside Out<\/a>, p105<\/p>\n

I read Karen the note from Judy.\u00a0 Asked if it sounded like me.\u00a0 She said absolutely.\u00a0 I said I was beginning to get that it might be true.\u00a0 She said what would you do if it were true.\u00a0 I said I would relax, I would stop trying so hard, I would know that just by being myself I make good things happen in the world.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Grey again and another dusting of snow.\u00a0 It feels like it has been like this for weeks. Woke up feeling very lonely.\u00a0 Tried without success to feel love for people I know I love.\u00a0 So instead of avoiding I have … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5397","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5397","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5397"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5397\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5397"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5397"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5397"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}