{"id":5388,"date":"2017-01-09T09:45:07","date_gmt":"2017-01-09T14:45:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5388"},"modified":"2017-01-09T09:45:07","modified_gmt":"2017-01-09T14:45:07","slug":"attachment-wound","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5388","title":{"rendered":"Attachment Wound"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ache in my heart.\u00a0 Ache in my whole torso.\u00a0 Empty.\u00a0 Without meaning.\u00a0 I think \u201cIt doesn\u2019t have to be this way.\u201d\u00a0 I\u00a0remember being at Kindred Spirits<\/a> and feeling OK.<\/p>\n

Erica called this \u201cthe attachment wound,\u201d this being alone, without meaning, the ache in my heart, no reason to do anything…\u00a0 I feel the tears behind my eyes.\u00a0 But I was only able to cry when I had Erica on the other end of the phone.<\/p>\n

Two friends, living alone, told me recently that when they were sick, stuck in bed, one of their children came to take care of them.\u00a0\u00a0I envy these women who have someone who will show up when they need help.<\/p>\n

When we were on the phone, I told Erica that I was reaching out.\u00a0 She said No, that \u201cwe\u201d had to be the ones who came to her.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t understand at the time, but now I see, as I\u2019m sitting here, that what I need is someone to come to me because she cares about me.\u00a0 The wound is \u201cI cried and cried, and nobody came.\u201d\u00a0 So many times I wrote that in my journal, and had no idea what it meant until I understood about the trauma.\u00a0 So much of my life spent in fantasies of the man who would come and love me into reality.\u00a0 I said of being with Christine and Susan \u201cafter a while I began to feel human.\u201d \u00a0That startled me at the time. \u00a0But then I realized that that described how I felt when I was alone. \u00a0I don\u2019t feel human now.\u00a0 I am nobody, a non-person.\u00a0 I think of Eleanor saying she doesn\u2019t think she is human.\u00a0 We aren\u2019t real, we aren\u2019t human, until someone from outside sees us truly.\u00a0 Elizabeth Goudge<\/a> says \u201cIdentity is the gift of love.\u201d\u00a0 I think of Father Greg<\/a> saying \u201cand the soul felt its worth,\u201d saying \u201cYou are just what God intended when God made you.\u201d\u00a0 You have to be seen<\/span>, seen for who you really are.\u00a0 I suppose that\u2019s what Erica is doing for me.\u00a0 I remember Dana saying \u201cI can\u2019t handle your energy.\u201d\u00a0 And feeling seen instead of wondering if I was too noisy or too quiet.<\/p>\n

O yes, the thing about needing someone to notice that you need help and coming to offer it, instead of always having to reach out.\u00a0 How do I approach the lost part of me to comfort and reassure her?\u00a0 But it\u2019s not \u201cpart of me,\u201d it\u2019s me.\u00a0 It\u2019s me who has to be rescued.\u00a0 There\u2019s no one here to do it.<\/p>\n

Why did this happen?\u00a0 I was alone too much between Christmas and New Years.\u00a0 I had hoped to spend some time with Evelyn, but it didn\u2019t work out, and I hadn\u2019t set up anything else.\u00a0 I remember the first time I went to stay with her, and she said \u201cO goody, someone to cook for.\u201d\u00a0 How it warmed my heart.\u00a0 On the other hand I just accepted it when Dana stopped cooking for me.\u00a0 He said \u201cYou aren\u2019t fun to cook for any more.\u201d\u00a0 I must have been terribly hurt at one level, but numb to it.\u00a0 Expected that no one would want to cook for me. \u00a0No one ever cooked for me when I went “home” to my alcoholic parents. \u00a0So I was alone too much over the holidays.\u00a0 No Erica, no Cory.\u00a0 I talked to Karen instead of going to Montpelier.\u00a0 Then last Tuesday I wasn\u2019t able to get to Erica, so we talked on the phone.\u00a0 But I think I need physical presence, the baby needs physical presence.\u00a0 Words don\u2019t mean much to her.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ache in my heart.\u00a0 Ache in my whole torso.\u00a0 Empty.\u00a0 Without meaning.\u00a0 I think \u201cIt doesn\u2019t have to be this way.\u201d\u00a0 I\u00a0remember being at Kindred Spirits and feeling OK. Erica called this \u201cthe attachment wound,\u201d this being alone, without meaning, … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5388","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5388","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5388"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5388\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5388"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5388"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5388"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}