{"id":5352,"date":"2016-12-15T13:01:24","date_gmt":"2016-12-15T18:01:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5352"},"modified":"2016-12-15T13:01:24","modified_gmt":"2016-12-15T18:01:24","slug":"to-be-loved-or-hurt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5352","title":{"rendered":"To be Loved or Hurt?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Monday<\/p>\n<p>I told Lynelle that I couldn&#8217;t imagine that Erica could help me. \u00a0I have an appointment with her tomorrow. \u00a0Lynelle suggested I have a conversation with the part that is trying to protect me. \u00a0Who is the one in me who feels hopeless and helpless, doesn\u2019t see anything she can do to help herself, can\u2019t imagine anyone would come to help her? \u00a0She\u2019s a baby, a truly helpless creature, and her mother has left her for too long.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t understand what is going on, she has no concept of death, but her reptilian brainstem has concluded that she is going to die.\u00a0 So her brain is making it easier to surrender into death.\u00a0 There\u2019s no point in fighting.\u00a0 So she feels very quiet and calm and despairing, not caring what\u2019s going to happen.\u00a0 Since she doesn\u2019t think anyone can help her, and Erica is out of sight and doesn\u2019t exist, she can\u2019t imagine any help tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>What can I say to her?\u00a0 I can scoop her up and cuddle her but I\u2019m not sure it will make a difference.\u00a0 So often I wrote in my journal \u201cAll I want is for someone to come put their arms around me and tell me everything\u2019s going to be all right.\u201d\u00a0 To be responded to.\u00a0 To be <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">met<\/span> at the place where I am.<\/p>\n<p>She\u2019s crying and crying.\u00a0 I pick her up and try to comfort her.\u00a0 She stiffens her back and screams louder.\u00a0 I start walking, rocking her a little.\u00a0 What can I sing?\u00a0 \u201cGoodnight, bonne nuit, oyasoumenasai&#8230;\u201d\u00a0 I keep this up for a long time, imagining holding her in my heart as I\u2019m holding her in my arms.\u00a0 Eventually she calms down and goes to sleep.<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Dreams Of Harmony\" width=\"640\" height=\"480\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/HeDMAM6l2i8?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>Wednesday<\/p>\n<p>Woke up scared and bleak.\u00a0 Hard to get out of bed.\u00a0 Peace.\u00a0 Love.\u00a0 Justice.\u00a0 Thankful for Mocha.\u00a0 Thankful for a roof over my head.\u00a0 Thankful for a warm place to sleep.\u00a0 Trying to find compassion for myself.\u00a0 I just feel blank.\u00a0 Trying to find compassion for baby Jenny, alone and scared.\u00a0 My heart stays frozen or numb or shielded.\u00a0 There, there, dear.\u00a0 Of course you need to shield your heart.\u00a0 You\u2019ve been hurt so badly, so many times.<\/p>\n<p>I read Erica the piece about trying to comfort the baby and how she stiffened and screamed.\u00a0 Erica said that when I was alone, I shielded my heart to protect myself.\u00a0 When someone offers love I open up in hope because I want it so badly, but then I\u2019m scared of being hurt again.\u00a0 The confusion is very tangled and painful.<\/p>\n<p>My poor heart.\u00a0 I feel so disconnected.\u00a0 I told Lynelle what Erica said, and how I wasn\u2019t really able to connect with her.\u00a0 Lynelle said she could spend a whole session trying to connect, that it was hard, hard work \u2014 \u201cand then at the end of the hour you have to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I feel so disconnected, so lonely and isolated.\u00a0 It reminds me of that first winter in Portland, when I was severely depressed, and so cold. so unconnected.<\/p>\n<p>Take a big <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">big<\/span> step back.\u00a0 Here\u2019s Jenny, left alone too much when she was a baby.\u00a0 Her heart was broken then, and so she keeps desperately wanting to be loved by someone.\u00a0 She also wants to love \u2014 because actually loving feels so good \u2014 but most of the time she just <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">knows<\/span> she loves, she doesn\u2019t feel it.\u00a0 She is in fact a very generous, loving, nonjudgmental person.\u00a0 But she doesn\u2019t know that in any way that would comfort her.\u00a0 O gosh there actually must be a lot of people who feel like that, with stony hearts, afraid to love.\u00a0 Some of them abuse others, some are addicted, some are locked in asylums.\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking a lot must kill themselves, living with this conflict is much too hard, but then I realize that those who are carrying on \u201cnormal\u201d lives are in denial.\u00a0 Actually feeling the wound and the conflict and the helplessness is unbelievably painful.<\/p>\n<p>Thinking of the winter in Portland, I feel a surge of compassion for that Jenny.\u00a0 I pull her into a hug and onto my lap, she\u2019s a young child.\u00a0 I hold her and tell her I love her, and she won\u2019t have to leave at the end of an hour, I will be here.\u00a0 I will always be here. \u00a0Something inside feels warmer.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Monday I told Lynelle that I couldn&#8217;t imagine that Erica could help me. \u00a0I have an appointment with her tomorrow. \u00a0Lynelle suggested I have a conversation with the part that is trying to protect me. \u00a0Who is the one in &hellip; 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