Erica said something that turned out to be really important in our phone conversation on Friday. \u00a0 There are things she says, and her wording is different and elegant, and I need to get her exact words, because if I say it in my own words it loses something.\u00a0 I think about her wonderful words about my \u201ctenacity\u201d in searching for real \u201cengagement.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s odd that I can\u2019t remember her words.\u00a0 I\u2019ll have to go back and find them again.<\/p>\n
She said (October 14)\u00a0 \u201cYour tenacity in wanting to be engaged in real substantive ways.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s an important concept for me.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s one of the reasons I\u2019m doing so much better.\u00a0 Seeing my fierce and relentless search to create \u201creal substantive engagement\u201d with the world, knowing that this is how I\u2019ve lived my life, committed to engagement, to deep connection and conversation with everyone and everything I meet \u2014 this is not a wasted life.\u00a0 I see that when I failed to engage \u2014 as I often did when I was younger \u2014 it was either because I didn\u2019t have the social skills, or because my wish to go deep could not be met by people who were afraid to look at the truth, or who were in denial and couldn\u2019t even see that there was truth.\u00a0 The words \u201creal,\u201d \u201csubstantive,\u201d \u201cengagement\u201d describe the truth I\u2019ve been committed to searching for all my life.\u00a0 This<\/span> is what my life is about.<\/p>\n Erica\u2019s phrase crystallized the enormous change I\u2019ve been going through.\u00a0 I see that I\u2019m much more resilient.\u00a0 I recently went through several of those struggles to order something on the internet, needing help from a real human being for something that is more complex than a \u201cfrequently asked question.\u201d\u00a0 Instead of collapsing in frustration\/helplessness, I got angry and the energy of anger helped me to continue with the task and bring it to a successful conclusion.\u00a0 Once I had succeeded, my anger disappeared.<\/p>\n In the past, something going wrong could disappear things that had gone right and bring me way down.\u00a0 Now, a few small good things can change my mood completely.\u00a0 Whatever I was bummed out about has lost its power.\u00a0 Good things have started to outweigh the bad.\u00a0 Not so much in size, as in my capacity to hold on to them. \u00a0This is what emotional health is like.\u00a0 So much more resilient.\u00a0 Able to get frustrated and have it turn to the energy of anger instead of the collapse of freeze.\u00a0 Being able to hold on to the good things.\u00a0 I\u2019m so grateful, so grateful.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Erica said something that turned out to be really important in our phone conversation on Friday. \u00a0 There are things she says, and her wording is different and elegant, and I need to get her exact words, because if I … Continue reading