Lots of people who know me through circle dance see me as enthusiastic, creative, competent, etc.\u00a0 When I tell them how awful I feel about myself, they have trouble believing it.\u00a0 This is painful for me, because it means that my pain is invisible, and I often get invalidated by people who can\u2019t believe I\u2019m as vulnerable as I am.\u00a0 They don\u2019t understand that the person they see when I\u2019m \u201con\u201d \u2014 that\u2019s what I call it to myself, and I know I\u2019m being enthusiastic, creative, etc. \u2014 even though I can experience myself when I\u2019m \u201con\u201d it\u2019s like she disappears when I stop being \u201con.\u201d\u00a0 The truth is, though I\u2019m aware of being her, there\u2019s a dissociative barrier to my being able to integrate those qualities into the self that I experience.\u00a0 This is not about \u201cself-image\u201d which is how I see myself, and always changing, this is about how I experience myself.<\/p>\n
The dissociative barrier is not as complete as it is when a person has \u201cmultiple personalities\u201d and when she\u2019s in one, she doesn\u2019t know about the others. \u00a0“Dissociative barriers” can be big or small, complete or non-existent. \u00a0We all have \u201csub-personalities,\u201d who appear when circumstances call on them, and there\u2019s not really any dissociative barrier.\u00a0 For example when I teach astronomy, no matter how depressed I may feel going toward the classroom, as soon as I\u2019m there and start speaking, I\u2019m able to be competent, knowledgeable, and able to engage my students.\u00a0 I know I\u2019m a good astronomy teacher, it\u2019s a skill that I have.\u00a0 But as for knowing I\u2019m creative, or kind, or generous \u2014 words that people have used to describe me \u2014 I feel \u201cwho are they talking about?\u201d\u00a0 Which leaves me wondering if that other person can possibly be connected with me.<\/p>\n
I have struggled with this issue, trying to understand how to change it.\u00a0 One concept that has helped is the distinction between \u201cimplicit\u201d memory and \u201cexplicit\u201d memory.\u00a0 Implicit memory is like learning to drive a car.\u00a0 You may not remember exactly when you learned, but now it\u2019s so natural that you can drive a car while thinking about something entirely different.\u00a0 It\u2019s a built-in part of you.\u00a0 Explicit memory is remembering the time when you went to the beach and it was so hot you ran into the water with your clothes on.\u00a0 That\u2019s something you recall, it\u2019s like going to a library and picking one of the books off the shelf.\u00a0 A lot of what we learn in our first three years is implicit memory.\u00a0 We learn how to function as a human being, how to negotiate our way through our environment.\u00a0 A lot of what we learn about ourselves is from \u201cmirroring\u201d \u2014 the mother \u201cmirrors\u201d the infant by responding.\u00a0 If she smiles a lot, the infant learns that she is lovable, if mother frowns a lot, or leaves the baby alone a lot, the infant learns that she is not worth attention.<\/p>\n
I have struggled with this a lot more since Neskaya was built, and people see me as this amazing person who built this very special place, and infuses it with a spirit of joy, of acceptance, of connection with the sacred.\u00a0 I wonder who she is.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been in therapy my whole life, first trying to fix myself, then trying to unlearn what I learned from alcoholic parents, then trying to heal from PTSD.\u00a0 Recently I\u2019ve been working with a therapist who specializes in attachment and trauma.\u00a0 \u201cAttachment\u201d means the primal relationship with the mother or caregiver.\u00a0 Erica works very differently from my previous therapists.\u00a0 She is constantly mirroring me, giving me feedback about my actions, my tone of voice, the look on my face, what I\u2019m doing with my hands.\u00a0 I\u2019ve never had this kind of feedback before.\u00a0 At first it seemed to fill some empty place inside me, but now it\u2019s getting harder to take in.\u00a0 It\u2019s as though some part of me is resisting this new information about myself.\u00a0 That\u2019s where I am right now in this process.<\/p>\n
There is an earlier post with this same title<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Lots of people who know me through circle dance see me as enthusiastic, creative, competent, etc.\u00a0 When I tell them how awful I feel about myself, they have trouble believing it.\u00a0 This is painful for me, because it means that … Continue reading