In summary: \u00a0Terror faded on Monday as I talked to Dr. Dean about the physiology of trauma.\u00a0 Tuesday morning began terrified but I was able to shake and could feel it releasing.\u00a0 Wednesday morning began terrified, but then I brought compassion to it and it faded.\u00a0 Writing was great.\u00a0 Thursday morning was when I felt so totally relaxed and then got triggered again while making breakfast.\u00a0 Eased by talking to Elizabeth and Karen.<\/p>\n
Both Elizabeth and Karen suggested that I couldn\u2019t make<\/span> fear go away, I could only do my practices and be grateful when grace comes.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s something about being open to grace.\u00a0 Being comfortable with uncertainty.\u00a0 When I first read about that idea it scared me.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want uncertainty, I want to feel safe.\u00a0 What I really want is to feel that I am OK just as I am.\u00a0 No amount of physical security can produce that.\u00a0 Only being within a community that tells the truth and is willing to listen to the truth.<\/p>\n I realize that I am already comfortable with uncertainty in the realm of science. \u00a0I don’t care what is the “real story” of the creation of the universe, I only know that it is more complex, more beautiful, more interconnected than human brains can understand. \u00a0I know that the complex processes that represent the workings of nature are such that they can be modeled, but can’t be predicted. \u00a0This is known as the “butterfly effect,” or sensitive dependence on initial conditions, which basically means that we can’t control the process, can’t even make predictions, because some small thing that we hadn’t noticed can make the whole process shift in another direction.<\/p>\n As I write this paragraph, I realize that my life, and my healing, are also complex processes, nonlinear \u2014 which means that I don’t just gradually get better \u2014 and I am powerless over my life and my healing. \u00a0I can set a direction, make choices in line with that direction, practice doing things that manifest my values, and keep on keeping on.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" In summary: \u00a0Terror faded on Monday as I talked to Dr. Dean about the physiology of trauma.\u00a0 Tuesday morning began terrified but I was able to shake and could feel it releasing.\u00a0 Wednesday morning began terrified, but then I brought … Continue reading