I\u2019ve just been through a week of terror.\u00a0 Lots of possible triggers.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t had this bad a bout of terror for many years.<\/p>\n
Tuesday, June 28<\/p>\n
I\u2019m feeling terrified.\u00a0 I was reading Deborah Crombie and felt scared while I was reading.\u00a0 Kim left a message.\u00a0 She sounded a little drunk on the phone which was unnerving.\u00a0 I have to leave for St.J. to see Bess about Writing for Recovery<\/a> in 45 minutes.\u00a0 I set it up because Erica is out of town today.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The Crombie<\/a> series is one I read over because I know it is safe.\u00a0 This is the last book.\u00a0 Not having something safe to read immediately can be a trigger.<\/p>\n
Wednesday, June 29<\/p>\n
The meeting with Bess was good.\u00a0 I was scared all the way over and for a little while after she\u2019d come, and then as we talked I started to feel better.\u00a0 The work sounds fascinating.\u00a0 Bess is currently teaching the workshop at the Recovery Center in St. J.\u00a0 It\u2019s Wednesday night, and she has just started, so I\u2019m going to go tonight.<\/p>\n
What am I afraid of?\u00a0 Asking the question makes my heart feel cold.\u00a0 A lot of my skills for coping seem to have vanished with the meaning. \u00a0I\u2019m thinking it\u2019s a mistake to try to lower the Ativan right now.\u00a0 I\u2019m so scared I\u2019m frozen.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Trying to lower the problematic tranquilizer (it can cause memory problems in seniors) may be the problem. \u00a0Going back to the higher dose didn’t help however.<\/p>\n
Thursday, June 30<\/p>\n
Went out to walk the dog while the prunes cooked.\u00a0 Went around the loop but came back breathless, still feeling scared.\u00a0 Sigh.\u00a0 There were mornings when I was glad the dog got me out.<\/p>\n
Terrified.\u00a0 It started after I came back with the dog.\u00a0 This afternoon I get to see Karen, thank god.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Being outside, especially in the bright sun is often, but not always, a trigger.\u00a0 I have no idea why.<\/p>\n
Friday, July 1<\/p>\n
Awful waking.\u00a0 I was able to lie & count my breaths.\u00a0 Finally made myself get up.\u00a0 Bright sun.\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling totally overwhelmed.\u00a0 I realized driving back from Montpelier, that all the different shades and textures of green were too much, that my efforts to \u201ctake in\u201d everything were overwhelming me.\u00a0 So I closed down which helped a little.<\/p>\n
I stayed terrified until I saw Karen.\u00a0 Being with her helped quite a bit.\u00a0 The session was painful.\u00a0 I said I was scared I would never get better.\u00a0 I told Karen about the image of lying helpless in the street with a steam roller coming toward me.\u00a0 She asked if I was being too hard on myself.\u00a0 I puzzled over it for a little, and then said that I wasn\u2019t, that I knew I was up against a lot and that I was doing the best that I can.\u00a0 I see that part of my discouragement was seeing that the best I can do is not enough.\u00a0 That\u2019s when you see that only something bigger than yourself can help.\u00a0 \u201cCame to believe…\u201d\u00a0 I guess I\u2019m stuck right there at Step 2.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The first four steps of AA\u2019s twelve:
\n(1) accepted that I am powerless, my life is unmanageable
\n(2) came to believe that a Greater Power could help
\n(3) became willing to turn my life and my will over to Greater Power
\n(4) offered my life and will to the Greater Power.<\/p>\nI\u2019m interested that the two steps in between suggest that there\u2019s a process that may take a while.\u00a0 You don\u2019t just move from (1) to (4). \u00a0When I’m frozen with terror, I find it very hard to believe in a process.<\/p>\n
The image of being alone and helpless is a pretty good rendering of how an infant feels when they are left alone too long.\u00a0 They have no language, no concept of death.<\/p>\n
I just watched the video on Writers for Recovery<\/a>.\u00a0 5min.\u00a0 I found it supportive especially after being with the group on Wednesday.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Saturday, July 2<\/p>\n
Nothing to say.\u00a0 Empty, unmeaning, bleak, scared. Lonely.<\/p>\n
O yes, I talked to Erica in the morning. \u00a0It\u2019s a little scary that I can forget it so fast, and forget whatever connection and hope there was between us.\u00a0 She thinks the fear is coming from taking big risks \u2014 planning to stay at Riverglen and starting the writers\u2019 group.\u00a0 There\u2019s also the Francis Weller workshop.\u00a0 The travel arrangements are scary, the workshop itself sounds like a refuge.<\/p>\n
Blank again.\u00a0 It\u2019s so painful and confusing.\u00a0 I get a lift from something and then lose it right away.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The Riverglen is independent and assisted living for seniors.\u00a0 I have signed up for four days of \u201crespite.\u201d\u00a0 Usually a respite stay is for a caregiver who needs a break, or for the one who needs assistance so the caretaker can go on vacation, visit family, etc.\u00a0 I realized that I am the caretaker of terrified Jenny, and I\u2019ve hit the end of my resources.<\/p>\n
Terrified while shopping.\u00a0 Lynelle is going \u2014 has gone\u2014 back to her parents.\u00a0 I thought she was going to stay a week.\u00a0 So my level of fear escalated.\u00a0 I was able to shop at the Co-op, and Rite Aid, despite being terrified.<\/p>\n
Sunday, July 3<\/p>\n
I got out a puzzle but I haven\u2019t opened the box.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t done much typing either.\u00a0 I read or play Solitaire.\u00a0 I guess that\u2019s a measure of my degree of terror.<\/p>\n
At one point I thought \u201cSuppose I were going to die tomorrow.\u201d\u00a0 Sometimes that thought makes me notice good things.\u00a0 Sometimes I feel guilty that I haven\u2019t \u201cexperienced\u201d the beauty and depth that is there.\u00a0 Yesterday I felt huge relief and sorry that I was too terrified to appreciate the day, but that\u2019s how it was.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Judith Herman<\/a> says traumatized terror is qualitatively different from ordinary fear.<\/p>\n
Monday, July 4<\/p>\n
May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live in peace.\u00a0 My mantra for this morning.\u00a0 I\u2019m OK right now.<\/p>\n
But when I walked the dog, I got terrified being outdoors.\u00a0 Heart feels shocked and vibrating.\u00a0 Body feels full of electric energy.\u00a0 Sight frozen.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Erica suggested that the odd thing that happens with my sight is like a deer in the headlights.\u00a0 Exactly right.\u00a0 It helped to have that image.<\/p>\n
Tuesday, July 5<\/p>\n
Woke up feeling the heat, the hot-cold thing. \u00a0I feel a bit dazed.\u00a0 I notice that if I get lost in thoughts I\u2019m OK, when I return to paying attention to myself I can feel the first little vibration inside that will become fear.<\/p>\n
Bright sun.\u00a0 I know the light and the heat have been part of the problem.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
In fact I\u2019m wondering if some of this isn\u2019t a flashback to the Summer from Hell<\/a> after I had that horrible experience on Paxil.<\/p>\n
O gosh I\u2019m starting to feel blind.\u00a0 Can I hold myself with kindness?\u00a0 The best I can do is think the word.\u00a0 I do feel a little softening.<\/p>\n
Just now I put my head on my hand and closed my eyes and felt very sleepy.\u00a0 The thought came to me to start shaking.\u00a0 So I did and then let it become involuntary.\u00a0 I can feel the terror draining out.\u00a0 I will just keep doing this.<\/p>\n
Yesterday I saw the chiropractor.\u00a0 I told him I was terrified and he was sympathetic.\u00a0 When I was on the table I started telling him about the physiology of trauma, how your system gets activated into fight-flight-freeze, the energy built up to run or fight had to be discharged somehow.\u00a0 I told him about the video of the possum, it\u2019s not actually \u201cplaying possum\u201d its instinct has frozen it.\u00a0 The coyote noses it and then walks off.\u00a0 The possum gets up and shakes itself, and walks away.\u00a0 Dr. Dean was really interested.\u00a0 I wonder if talking about this is why I thought of shaking today.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m also starting to feel clearer and calmer from the shaking.\u00a0 And also feeling better because I have something I can do.<\/p>\n
Wednesday, July 6<\/p>\n
Some waves of fear before I even got up.\u00a0 I\u2019m working on feeling compassion for myself. \u00a0 Take a big step back. \u00a0This woman is terrified, and trying to bring compassion to herself.\u00a0 Now I\u2019m wondering if she deserves compassion.\u00a0 There\u2019s nothing wrong in her life right now, she has no excuse to be terrified.\u00a0 Well I know that\u2019s not true.\u00a0 She was traumatized in infancy.<\/p>\n
I think about a tiny baby experiencing that degree of fear, and my heart just goes out. \u00a0I feel much more relaxed and softer.\u00a0 I\u2019m so grateful that I\u2019ve been able to awaken my compassion.<\/p>\n
Looking at the DNR. \u00a0So grateful to have such a thing. \u00a0My life is so painful and difficult right now that death would be a relief.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
[Do Not Resuscitate order: so if you\u2019re in an accident and your heart stops, they won\u2019t resuscitate you.]<\/p>\n
O it\u2019s such a relief to sit here and be relaxed.\u00a0 I have \u201cWriters for Recovery” tonight!<\/p>\n
Thursday, July 7<\/p>\n
I\u2019m OK this morning.\u00a0 So grateful.\u00a0 The bliss of not being terrified.\u00a0 It was having compassion for myself that did it. \u00a0And being with the writers.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve just been through a week of terror.\u00a0 Lots of possible triggers.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t had this bad a bout of terror for many years. Tuesday, June 28 I\u2019m feeling terrified.\u00a0 I was reading Deborah Crombie and felt scared while I … Continue reading