I found this draft when I went to the dashboard to work on another post. \u00a0I suspect I didn’t post it because I ended up still feeling bad. \u00a0Reading it over again, I realized that the first time, in 2014, I actually told the story to people. \u00a0The second time, a couple of months ago, I just wrote it out. \u00a0I see that relationship is important for healing. \u00a0I also see how I think I’ve arrived when I feel better, instead of seeing it as one stage in a long complex process.<\/p>\n
Journal entry for January 19 2014<\/p>\n
Talk with Barbara about single-mindedness.\u00a0 I was thinking that my vocation was not found by knowing what I wanted and going for it single-mindedly.\u00a0 Looking back I see I was clearly guided.\u00a0 At least I recognized the pieces when I met them.\u00a0 I told Barbara about the trip with Bettie and my epiphany at Knocknarae<\/a>.\u00a0 Then perhaps about Brunswick & dream class & starting to write the book<\/a>, and Charles bringing me to Franconia.\u00a0 The connection with folk dance and then sacred circle dance.\u00a0 She was really interested, so it was fun telling her.\u00a0 I told her about California and smashing David\u2019s windows<\/a>, and going to the Health Center.\u00a0 She thought my life was really interesting which is kind of fun for me.<\/p>\n After I got home I called Eve and told her the same story \u2014 looking at my life as though god had designed it. \u00a0 \u2014 and to my utter surprise, I woke up this morning feeling great. \u00a0 Will it last?<\/p>\n This journal entry was the basis for a blog post<\/a>.<\/p>\n This is my journal entry for\u00a0May 16, 2016<\/p>\n I came across some loose papers that have been lying around for a while.\u00a0 There was a page called \u201cvocation\u201d where I describe seeing my life as though God had designed it.\u00a0 This was back in January 2014.\u00a0 I describe this to Barbara and to Eve, and then when I told Karen, she told me that my feeling so good was different.\u00a0 That instead of rushing out to do something I was willing to be patient and wait for the right thing to come along.\u00a0 Reading this now, I feel grief and frustration.\u00a0 That was 2 1\/2 years ago.\u00a0 It faded and I\u2019ve been struggling ever since except for a few days here and there.<\/p>\n Thinking about my life as designed by Divine Process, I look at how things went after Journey.\u00a0 My severe depression after we made the movie and the performances were over.\u00a0 Reading the newspaper arts magazine about Journey and finding \u201cNational Depression Screening Day.\u201d\u00a0 Went to Norwich, told I\u2019m in severe depression.\u00a0 Laugh \u2014 if this is severe depression, I\u2019ve been severely depressed my whole life.\u00a0 Go to Dr. Brunette (who actually said \u201cTrauma before the age of 3\u201d) but she prescribed Paxil and I went through a horrific experience.\u00a0 That led to the \u201cSummer from Hell<\/a>\u201d and the turkeys, tranquilizer and return to depression.\u00a0 Lynelle recommended Dr. Rankin, a mood specialist, who said when she first saw me \u201cI want you on Anti-depressant medication right away.” \u00a0She found Char.\u00a0 I was so scared of trying a new medication, that when my local doctor prescribed zoloft and one other SSRI, I couldn\u2019t take it more than a few days, I was too scared.\u00a0 I remember thinking that I needed someone who would talk to me every day for the first three weeks.\u00a0 Char actually did this.\u00a0 When I told her about continuing to take the paxil even though I was terrified out of my wits (I started hallucinating in the grocery store on the 5th day, and finally stopped) she said \u201cAnd you wanted to be un-depressed so badly that you stuck with it that long.\u201d\u00a0 I almost cried.\u00a0 All my friends had said \u201cWhy did you keep taking it?\u201d like I was stupid.\u00a0 Char got me on imipramine.\u00a0 I found out what normal brain chemistry was like.<\/p>\n Meanwhile, the visit to Lydia in 1992, long before medication, and coming back saying \u201clet\u2019s build it\u201d leads to Neskaya.<\/p>\n Normal brain chemistry leads to divorce which results in depression, but also learning about how our relationship was co-dependent, how Dana wasn\u2019t the person I thought he was.\u00a0 Then a long time of struggle and pain.\u00a0 Dancing the Sacred Calendar<\/a> and Caron Institute.\u00a0 Clare and NVC<\/a>.\u00a0 A psychiatrist who prescribed a very expensive medication that it turned out was making me nauseous, and then took a leave of absence without giving me any backup.\u00a0 Stock market crash in 2008, breakdown, Karen found Dr. Seigel.\u00a0 Lynelle connects me with Somatic Experiencing<\/a>, and I finally get to Caryn.\u00a0 Bella dies<\/a>, abandonment triggered, Caryn says she is not trained to deal with attachment issues, recommends Erica.\u00a0 Opens up all the pain from infancy.\u00a0 At first I thought healing was in sight, but now I\u2019m not so hopeful.<\/p>\n I had hoped writing this would cheer me up but it hasn\u2019t.\u00a0 I feel very tired and apathetic.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I found this draft when I went to the dashboard to work on another post. \u00a0I suspect I didn’t post it because I ended up still feeling bad. \u00a0Reading it over again, I realized that the first time, in 2014, … Continue reading