My talk with my therapist was painful and difficult but I think it helped.\u00a0 I made a lot of notes.\u00a0 I see that my image\/expectation of a healing process is that you get steadily better.\u00a0 You\u2019d think I\u2019d know better by now.\u00a0 First of all, a healing process takes place in the unconscious part of the mind.\u00a0 There\u2019s absolutely no way to know how it works.\u00a0 \u201cNot knowing\u201d what to do is a trigger for me.\u00a0 I tend to get all freaked out.\u00a0 I just have to trust that it is working toward healing.\u00a0 Constantly checking to see if it\u2019s working does not help the process.\u00a0 Secondly the actual process has ups & downs.\u00a0 Opening up a wound is painful, no way out of that.\u00a0 So accepting the downs, allowing them to happen, and if possible to \u201csoften around,\u201d to say \u201cthere, there,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m here,\u201d and to create a compassionate container.\u00a0 Sometimes that just isn\u2019t possible.\u00a0 I\u2019m so caught in the child.\u00a0 There\u2019s no adult here to say \u201cthere, there.\u201d<\/p>\n
Finally, there\u2019s the total willingness to hand the whole process over to God \u2014 I think that\u2019s Step Five<\/a>.\u00a0 The recognition that I don\u2019t know how to do this, that I can\u2019t do it on my own.\u00a0 My difficulty is in what I believe I\u2019m handing \u201cmy will and my life\u201d over to.\u00a0 If it\u2019s God the Capricious, Malicious, Willful<\/a>, and Untrustworthy, then of course I\u2019m not going to be willing to let go.\u00a0 If I think of it as \u201cDivine Process,\u201d that helps a lot.\u00a0 Trusting the process comes much more easily than handing over to God.<\/p>\n In my list of \u201ccharacter defects<\/a>\u201d I have written a lot of things that I don\u2019t believe are defects.\u00a0 They are dysfunctional behaviors learned from things that happened to me when I was a child.\u00a0 I believe that\u2019s true for everybody.\u00a0 But whatever they are, they are making my life miserable and I want them to change, dissolve, heal, be left behind, whatever the process does so that they won\u2019t keep tripping me up.\u00a0 I see that the biggest, right now, is my inability to take in, receive, satisfaction for getting something done.\u00a0 So, my part is to add \u201cgood for me!\u201d and to try to savor the feeling of satisfaction.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" My talk with my therapist was painful and difficult but I think it helped.\u00a0 I made a lot of notes.\u00a0 I see that my image\/expectation of a healing process is that you get steadily better.\u00a0 You\u2019d think I\u2019d know better … Continue reading