{"id":5187,"date":"2016-05-29T08:03:59","date_gmt":"2016-05-29T12:03:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5187"},"modified":"2016-05-29T08:03:59","modified_gmt":"2016-05-29T12:03:59","slug":"did-i-win-or-lose","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5187","title":{"rendered":"Did I Win or Lose?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>I was rereading a little of <a href=\"http:\/\/www.francisweller.net\" target=\"_blank\">Francis Weller<\/a>, and he talks about self-hate and self-compassion.\u00a0 I checked in with myself and found that I don\u2019t hate myself at all right now \u2014 but I think actually the self-hate is\u00a0gone forever.\u00a0 I say \u201cright now\u201d just in case the understanding goes away, but it\u2019s not a feeling it&#8217;s\u00a0a knowing.\u00a0 Feelings go away, but knowings don\u2019t until they are replaced by a more true knowing.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m feeling very sad, but I don\u2019t make myself wrong for it, it\u2019s legitimate, it\u2019s sadness for all the suffering in the world, and it\u2019s because I care a lot.\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling horribly alone, and I\u2019m not making myself wrong for it, it\u2019s legitimate, it\u2019s a consequence of being traumatized.<\/p>\n<p>Lines from <a href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Nikos_Kazantzakis\" target=\"_blank\">Nikos Kazantzakis<\/a>, at the end of his book \u201c<a href=\"http:\/\/books.simonandschuster.com\/Report-to-Greco\/Nikos-Kazantzakis\/9781476706863\" target=\"_blank\">Report to Greco<\/a>,\u201d as he is saying good bye to life:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\u201cDid I win or lose? The only thing I know is this: I am full of wounds and still standing on my feet.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>A note: Greco refers to El Greco, the Spanish Renaissance painter.\u00a0 His real name was Domenikos Theotokopoulos, but the Spanish just called him \u201cthe Greek.\u201d \u00a0He was born in Crete, which is why Kazantzakis addresses him as &#8220;Grandfather.&#8221;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I was rereading a little of Francis Weller, and he talks about self-hate and self-compassion.\u00a0 I checked in with myself and found that I don\u2019t hate myself at all right now \u2014 but I think actually the self-hate is\u00a0gone forever.\u00a0 &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5187\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5187","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-healing","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5187","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5187"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5187\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5187"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5187"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5187"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}