Thinking some more about \u201ccharacter defects\u201d as being the same as dysfunctional behaviors learned in childhood, I saw that the most damaging one is my inability to take in positive feedback \u2014 either what people say to me, or some sense of satisfaction from what I accomplish.\u00a0 I can say \u201cI washed the dishes, good for me!\u201d and I don\u2019t feel anything, but I\u2019m hoping if I keep doing it long enough that it will make a difference.\u00a0 I thought about the long difficult process of buying the car, and how I was able, after I bought the Prius, to reassure myself that I had done OK, because if I had spent a lot more time and energy trying to find a better deal, whatever money it saved me would not be worth the time and energy and emotional drain.\u00a0 But I never really felt any satisfaction either.<\/p>\n
[Update from May 16. \u00a0I just checked the miles per gallon, and for the last 444 miles I got 56 mpg. \u00a0Felt a lot of satisfaction!!]<\/p>\n
I can see that I need to change that, but have no idea what to do.\u00a0 \u201cNot knowing what to do\u201d is a serious trigger for me, because it was the one survival skill I had in my childhood.\u00a0 Using my intellect was my only source of praise and support, which came from my teachers at school and not from Mom & Dad.\u00a0 Actually, I do know what to do, just keep practicing noticing and acknowledging my \u201csuccesses,\u201d and feeling compassion for myself.\u00a0 That looks like it will take forever, and I don\u2019t have that many years left.\u00a0 It did occur to me that seeing that I can\u2019t really do this myself reminds me of the Twelve Steps and asking for the help of \u201cGod as I understand God.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s reassuring somehow that it takes three steps to accomplish this process, after the initial one of the \u201csearching and fearless moral inventory.\u201d<\/p>\n
Step Five:\u00a0 Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
\nStep Six:\u00a0 Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
\nStep Seven:\u00a0 Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nI haven\u2019t completed Step Five, so I will read my \u201ccharacter defects\u201d to Erica today.\u00a0 Yes, I am \u201centirely willing.\u201d\u00a0 So I will start asking Divine Process to please help me change this.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Thinking some more about \u201ccharacter defects\u201d as being the same as dysfunctional behaviors learned in childhood, I saw that the most damaging one is my inability to take in positive feedback \u2014 either what people say to me, or some … Continue reading