{"id":5138,"date":"2016-04-30T16:38:51","date_gmt":"2016-04-30T20:38:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5138"},"modified":"2016-04-30T16:50:07","modified_gmt":"2016-04-30T20:50:07","slug":"conversations-with-god","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5138","title":{"rendered":"Conversations with “God”"},"content":{"rendered":"

Feeling sad.\u00a0 Ask God for help.\u00a0 My brother Jack<\/a> talked about asking god about everything.\u00a0 He talked about keeping doing it until it starts to work.\u00a0 AA\u2019s Big Book talked about \u201cGod\u201d as an inner resource, a completely different way of seeing god for me.\u00a0 I really appreciated how Jack took responsibility for every statement.\u00a0 Often by adding \u201cfor me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here comes fear, a squeezed heart, a coldness.\u00a0 God please help me with this, give me strength to bear it, if that is your will.\u00a0 Please let me know if this working with fear is what you want me to do.\u00a0 I\u2019m having trouble with language here, god.\u00a0 Please take away my fear and let me know what you want me to do instead.\u00a0 I looked through the book and couldn\u2019t find the exact prayer.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s the word \u201cgod\u201d that\u2019s triggering the fear.\u00a0 I ask \u201cgod\u201d for help and within me is the fear that He will make me wrong for asking.\u00a0 That\u2019s not God at all, it\u2019s mom & dad.\u00a0 It\u2019s also true that I\u2019m imagining \u201cGod\u201d as \u201cup there.\u201d\u00a0 Well of course that\u2019s a parent.\u00a0 If I think of \u201cGod\u201d as inside me, I have a different experience.\u00a0 Then \u201cGod\u201d becomes a kind of upwelling, deep inside me, of the creative power of the Universe \u2014 or maybe the Power that creates the Universe.\u00a0 And it created me \u2014 \u201cYou are just what God had in mind when God made you\u201d \u2014 \u201cGod don\u2019t make no junk.\u201d\u00a0 O gosh what a different experience and understanding of who I am.<\/p>\n

I have always been totally willing to hand my life over to god \u2014 \u201cI have made such a mess of it, please help me to do your will\u201d \u2014 and have been disappointed because no clear instructions have ever come.\u00a0 Except for when I hear the Voice say \u201cYou\u2019re doing fine.\u201d\u00a0 Is it possible that just as I am<\/span> I am doing god\u2019s will?\u00a0 I think of my new knowing of all the lives I have impacted positively without intending to.\u00a0 I expect \u201cgod\u201d to tell me to \u201cdo good for others,\u201d to go to the slums or the prisons …\u00a0 I think that\u2019s Mom again.\u00a0 If I move the Voice inside me, right inside my heart, it says \u201cYour healing work on yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself and the planet.\u201d<\/p>\n

The commandment \u201cto love the Lord your God with all your might…\u201d is one I\u2019ve always had trouble with.\u00a0 No matter how much I work on this, the word \u201cGod\u201d especially combined with the word \u201cLord,\u201d holds inside itself the image of that capricious, malicious, and willful<\/a> parent that I am trying to escape, or transform, or …\u00a0 But when I think of the Creative Power of the Universe, that is always creating the stars and planets, the redwood trees and mice, and me \u2014 that amazingly beautiful, extraordinarily complex, completely interconnected, beyond human understanding, living, loving, growing, creating beauty Being<\/a> \u2014 I do love that Being with all my heart, soul, and might.\u00a0 That upwelling of creativity and love, from deep inside me, not me, but what is creating me at this very moment \u2014 I sit here, and feel filled with it, filled with warmth and energy and power, and feel enormously grateful and deeply honored, and totally humble \u2014<\/p>\n

Back comes the cold when I think about things I need to do \u2014 especially the stuff around changing my plane ticket \u2014 well I thought about it, imagined talking to someone, and the cold faded.\u00a0 Please, inner resource, remove my fear and help me do the things you want me to do.<\/p>\n

I realize that I am so grateful to God for guiding me to Wellesley \u2014 where I found Bible study, Astronomy and Miss Hill, and Claflin.\u00a0 From Miss Hill and Astronomy I got the picture of the amazing universe we live in, and an explanation of the scientific method that has been very helpful to me as I struggle with my dysfunctional behavior. \u00a0I want to qualify my statement that the Power created the Universe, because what I really think (it\u2019s harder to believe because that would mean that \u201cgod\u201d is me) is that the Power became the Universe, not creating it from outside.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Feeling sad.\u00a0 Ask God for help.\u00a0 My brother Jack talked about asking god about everything.\u00a0 He talked about keeping doing it until it starts to work.\u00a0 AA\u2019s Big Book talked about \u201cGod\u201d as an inner resource, a completely different way … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,11,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5138","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-guidance","category-present-day","category-spirit"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5138","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5138"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5138\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5138"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5138"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5138"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}