My brother, who is a recovering alcoholic, came to visit recently. \u00a0It was a great visit. \u00a0He has seven years of sobriety, and it makes me feel really good to see how much he’s changed his life. \u00a0We read some passages in AA’s Big Book that had been very meaningful for him, and I found them very valuable for the work I’ve currently been doing in therapy. \u00a0I got three big learnings.<\/p>\n
It’s OK that I’m progressing incrementally, with new knowings coming occasionally.\u00a0 These new knowings are replacements of old beliefs through the operation of some hidden process that brings them back to me, fully formed, and true without a doubt.\u00a0 I see now, after Jack’s\u00a0visit, that that process is “God as I understand God.”<\/p>\n
I realized, through our readings in the Big Book, that my idea of God was corrupted by the image of the patriarchal father, up on his throne, capricious, malicious and willful<\/a>. \u00a0Though I “know” better than that, my old knowing was much stronger than any intellectual idea that I tried to replace it by.\u00a0 I realize that the idea that my inner voice could be “God” speaking, was thrown out “prior to investigation”, because it was part of me and therefore “junk.”\u00a0 When I consult that inner voice, it’s kind, compassionate and wise. \u00a0But I see that I’m still struggling with this. \u00a0If God is “out there” he is capricious, malicious and willful. \u00a0If God is “in here” then God is limited to what I know.<\/p>\n The third thing was to be persistent with my praying.\u00a0 I used to give up after a while because it didn’t seem to be working. \u00a0There are lots of things I have started on and given up when they didn’t bring results. \u00a0There are also things that I have relentlessly pursued through storm and earthquake.\u00a0 The most important thing is the search for truth.\u00a0 That has forced me to see where I’m wrong.\u00a0 It’s easy for outer knowledge, but harder if it’s about myself.\u00a0 Generally, when someone tells me something good about myself I react with “that can’t possibly be true.”\u00a0 I don’t say those words, but that’s what happens inside.\u00a0 In 2005 I got a letter from my friend Elizabeth.\u00a0 She talked about “your boundless generosity, the breadth of your vision, and depth of your commitment.\u201d \u00a0I went on to write in my journal “Those are strong, powerful words.\u00a0 Could she really be talking about me?\u00a0 ……\u00a0 There\u2019s a warmth under my heart at the idea that what Elizabeth said might be true.\u00a0 I think I\u2019m still feeling too shaky to be able to claim it.”\u00a0 After almost 11 years of dedicated investigation of this astounding idea, I am truly starting to see that it is true. \u00a0That took persistence. \u00a0When Jack\u00a0first came to tell me about AA, and told me about the prayer about fear \u2014 I couldn’t find it in the book, and I remember it as “Please, God, take away my fear and replace it with knowing what your will for me is.”\u00a0 I did use that prayer for quite a while.\u00a0 It didn’t help much and I stopped.\u00a0 Now I see that I need to keep asking that inner wisdom voice to help me with my fear.\u00a0 I’ve been doing that continuously this morning.<\/p>\n The first thing each morning, my brother consults a book of daily readings, and meditates and writes on spiritual matters.\u00a0\u00a0When I sat down to write in my journal this morning, I found I was doing the same thing.\u00a0 I just checked in with inner wisdom: You keep telling me I’m doing fine and I’m disappointed because you aren’t giving me a bigger assignment.\u00a0 Inner Wisdom said “You want a bigger assignment than PTSD?” \u00a0 What can I do but laugh.<\/p>\n Another really\u00a0 comforting thing that happened with Jack’s\u00a0visit was my realization that I really, truly, do want to do the will of god and I’m entirely willing to be directed.<\/p>\n Footnote: \u00a0the quote “prior to investigation” is from a quote by Herbert Spencer in Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book<\/a>.” \u00a0The full quote, which I find very important from my training as a scientist:<\/p>\n “There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance \u2014 that principle is contempt prior to investigation.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" My brother, who is a recovering alcoholic, came to visit recently. \u00a0It was a great visit. \u00a0He has seven years of sobriety, and it makes me feel really good to see how much he’s changed his life. \u00a0We read some … Continue reading