{"id":5094,"date":"2016-03-24T13:14:18","date_gmt":"2016-03-24T17:14:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5094"},"modified":"2016-03-24T13:14:18","modified_gmt":"2016-03-24T17:14:18","slug":"question-of-living-well","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5094","title":{"rendered":"Question of “Living Well”"},"content":{"rendered":"

Oliver Sacks<\/a> says of his life:\u00a0 \u201cMy predominant feeling is one of gratitude.\u00a0 I have loved and been loved.\u00a0 I have been given much and I have given something in return.\u201d\u00a0 I would say this is a \u201cgood life\u201d and I am very jealous.\u00a0 My predominant feeling is one of struggle just to get through the day, and trying to get that I\u2019m OK just as I am.<\/p>\n

At the end of yesterday\u2019s journal entry I wrote: \u2018What does it mean to \u201chave a life\u201d?\u00a0 What does it mean to \u201clive well\u201d?\u2019\u00a0 One of Father Greg\u2019s homeboys<\/a> said \u201cI want a life,\u201d meaning he wanted something different from continually risking his life as a member of a gang.\u00a0 I have felt that way too: that this life I live is \u201cnot a life\u201d because it has been hurt too badly to live<\/a>.<\/p>\n

After writing those questions I pondered for a long time.\u00a0 I had no answers and puzzled over them the rest of the day.\u00a0 This morning it occurred to me that \u201chaving a life\u201d meant having a life based on choices, not on being pushed around by random forces.\u00a0 But allowing yourself to be pushed around is also a choice.\u00a0 So the difference is in what you choose, and the only choice really is whether to respond or to react.\u00a0 So \u201chaving a life\u201d means making the best choice you can in every situation, even if it is only to refuse to act, or to define the situation differently.\u00a0 I always thought that \u201chaving a life\u201d meant being \u201calive to my fingertips\u201d and able to enjoy all the little things, and having a big loving heart, and being resilient in the face of difficulties and disasters.\u00a0 I judge myself for not being that way but now I see that\u00a0 being \u201calive\u201d is a function of temperament and early experiences.\u00a0 My early experiences have wounded me badly, and shut me down from what I might have been \u2014 a person who enjoys every little thing and is resilient in the face of disaster.\u00a0 Instead I have pursued truth relentlessly, trying to get to the truth of my life, and why I seemed to live it so badly.\u00a0 Whenever truth came to me I recognized it, and changed my behavior as a result.\u00a0 An example: when a friend asked about my mother\u2019s \u201cdrinking problem\u201d the lights went on.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s what it is!\u201d I said of something I had recognized but had no name for.\u00a0 I was never in denial, I was only ignorant.\u00a0 Erica says I am \u201cfully engaged and present.\u201d\u00a0 Surely that is the same as being alive to my finger tips.\u00a0 I just always imagined that being alive that way would be happiness, but you can also be alive to pain if that is what is there.\u00a0 I think of Lea saying \u201cYou don\u2019t just dance with your arms and legs, you dance with your soul.\u201d\u00a0 And the woman at Kripalu who said my dancing had \u201cchanged her life.\u201d<\/p>\n

O but! I realize as I read this over that of course I have been in denial.\u00a0 I have a very hard time when people say good things about me.\u00a0 I can\u2019t really take them in.\u00a0 I don\u2019t reject them completely any more, I put them on a psychic page labeled \u201cEvidence to disprove the hypothesis that Jenny is worthless.\u201d \u00a0I repeat them to myself hoping to change what I believe I am.<\/p>\n

What does it mean to \u201clive well\u201d?\u00a0 I used to think it meant that you were happy and successful, \u201csuccess\u201d not just meaning a career, but also in any activity that means something to you.\u00a0 Again I see that happiness and success depend on initial gifts and an environment that supports and encourages them.\u00a0 Thinking about it now, my first thought is that \u201cliving well\u201d means living with integrity.\u00a0 Then I think \u201cShow up, pay attention, tell the truth<\/a>,\u201d and how I have done well with those, and maybe that\u2019s what I mean by living with integrity.\u00a0 Not in denial, but with awareness.\u00a0 The fourth rule \u2014 \u201cDon\u2019t be attached to results\u201d \u2014 is very hard for me. \u00a0Would that be part of living well?\u00a0 I think that showing up, paying attention, and telling the truth are things that you can do consciously, can practice and work on.\u00a0 \u201cNot being attached to results\u201d can\u2019t really be done directly or on will power.\u00a0 I suppose one could acknowledge it, every time one is<\/span> attached, instead of being in denial, and at least make an effort to let go.\u00a0 \u201cNot being attached\u201d has come to me as a grace, a free gift.\u00a0 The first time I can remember was the day the Christmas Tree fell down, and I didn\u2019t get upset at all.\u00a0 It really struck me, because it was so different from how I usually was.\u00a0 This morning I got upset when I found that the dog had peed on the floor.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been through long periods of time when I\u2019ve just shrugged my shoulders and cleaned up without being upset at all.\u00a0 I think also the times when I feel OK just as I am, are times when results are unimportant.\u00a0 Results are about proving something, that I am<\/span> OK, that I do<\/span> deserve to live.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Oliver Sacks says of his life:\u00a0 \u201cMy predominant feeling is one of gratitude.\u00a0 I have loved and been loved.\u00a0 I have been given much and I have given something in return.\u201d\u00a0 I would say this is a \u201cgood life\u201d and … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5094","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5094","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5094"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5094\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5094"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5094"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5094"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}