This is a response to a blog post on Tim Lawrence\u2019s \u201cThe Adversity Within.\u201d\u00a0 [Edit 2\/26\/20 \u2014 I went to this link and got something completely different. \u00a0Don’t know what happened. \u00a0I fear that he may have killed himself.] \u00a0He\u2019s speaking of loss and grief, the pain of loss, the necessity for grieving, the insane culture we live in.<\/p>\n
Thanks, Tim, for speaking the hard truth.\u00a0 It\u2019s always a relief to me when someone speaks the truth, and I feel supported by your words.<\/p>\n
Loss and grief have been a difficult issue for me.\u00a0 Most of my losses have been not of something I had, like the death of a friend, but losses of things I should have had and didn\u2019t get.\u00a0 The biggest one is a stable platform for my self to rest on \u2014 I don\u2019t mean physical security, but the kind of psychological security that enables you to survive physical uncertainty.\u00a0 Growing up I thought I was defective.\u00a0 An example: when I was sixteen a dinner party was given for me by some friends of my parents.\u00a0 We were all sitting around the table in the restaurant, and everyone had a plate of food in front of them.\u00a0 I waited for someone else to start which is what I had always done.\u00a0 But no one was eating.\u00a0 Finally a nearby adult came to me and whispered \u201cYou are the hostess, you must start eating before any one else can.\u201d\u00a0 I was deeply embarrassed that I had not known that simple thing.\u00a0 What was the matter with me?\u00a0 Only many years later did it occur to me that my parents should have taught me things like that.<\/p>\n
I desperately tried to have a relationship with a boy, because I believed that if someone loved me that would prove that I deserved to live.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know that was the reason, then, I just desperately wanted a boyfriend.\u00a0 My first chance came when a friend told me that Pete was interested in me, and he came to the summer resort where my family stayed.\u00a0 He took me out for a hamburger \u2014 I was so excited, it was really going to happen \u2014 and he told me he\u2019d fallen in love with my best friend.\u00a0 I froze.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t even cry until long afterward.\u00a0 I kept on experiencing rejection after one or two dates, one or two fucks.\u00a0 Or I got a bad crush on somebody who never knew I existed.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t see these as losses, I saw them as failures and kept desperately trying to succeed.\u00a0 I went into therapy to try to fix myself, thinking that if I could get rid of the defects someone would love me.<\/p>\n
I was 42 before the information about children of alcoholics started to emerge.\u00a0 I quickly saw that my \u201cdefects\u201d were not inborn but something I had learned from my two alcoholic parents.\u00a0 I suffered from severe depression all my life, not knowing what it was, until at age 55 I finally tried medication.\u00a0 When I experienced normal brain chemistry I was astounded.\u00a0 I had never felt like that my whole life.\u00a0 Living was so much easier \u2014 until I started trying to live a bigger life than I could live while I was depressed.\u00a0 At age 60 I realized that I had been traumatized in infancy.\u00a0 Peter Levine says, in \u201cWaking the Tiger\u201d that an infant can be traumatized by being left alone in a cold room.\u00a0 When trauma happens this early it affects the development of the brain and the nervous system.<\/p>\n
So I\u2019m now delving into the deepest part of the psyche, and I\u2019m finding out how utterly vulnerable I am.\u00a0 Psychologically I am essentially a baby.\u00a0 Every day is a struggle to get through. \u00a0All I can manage is preparing food, washing dishes, taking garbage to the dump, paying bills.\u00a0 I have 3 therapy sessions a week and spend six hours driving back and forth.\u00a0 Some days I can actually walk the dog or fill the bird feeder.\u00a0 Longer tasks, finding a trainer to help me with my dog, preparing information for my tax man, getting a recall done on my car, can take weeks or months.\u00a0 I can\u2019t manage them alone, I have to have\u00a0someone with me for\u00a0moral support.\u00a0 As I struggle to keep going, I understand what I\u2019ve been up against my whole life.\u00a0 I see how little I had of the guidance, support, empathy and mirroring that a child needs to grow into a healthy adult.\u00a0 I see how big my losses are, how gaping and unhealed are my wounds.\u00a0 I don\u2019t begin to know how to grieve this, although my therapy sessions are often 90% crying.<\/p>\n
Before I can grieve my losses, I have to acknowledge them. \u00a0Before I can acknowledge them I have to feel them. \u00a0At 73, feeling the feelings of a traumatized baby is scary and painful work.<\/p>\n
Before I die, I would like to feel safe, I would like to feel comfortable in my life, I would like to know that I am OK just as I am.\u00a0 I have had moments of feeling like that.\u00a0 The longest lasted two days.\u00a0 So at least I know what it is that I have lost.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This is a response to a blog post on Tim Lawrence\u2019s \u201cThe Adversity Within.\u201d\u00a0 [Edit 2\/26\/20 \u2014 I went to this link and got something completely different. \u00a0Don’t know what happened. \u00a0I fear that he may have killed himself.] \u00a0He\u2019s … Continue reading