{"id":5049,"date":"2016-01-23T15:37:46","date_gmt":"2016-01-23T20:37:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5049"},"modified":"2021-03-06T11:54:02","modified_gmt":"2021-03-06T16:54:02","slug":"living-with-ptsd-4","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5049","title":{"rendered":"Living with PTSD"},"content":{"rendered":"

Erica suggested I take one of my affirmations\/realizations and write from it.\u00a0 I chose \u201cDepression is a big deal.\u00a0 It has taken courage, strength and determination to create as much of a life as I have.\u201d\u00a0 I became aware of this after the week<\/a> I spent doing my best to \u201cbe with\u201d depression, instead of fighting it to \u201cget things done.\u201d\u00a0 As a result I saw how much work it was to \u201covercome\u201d depression, how absolutely totally debilitating severe depression is.\u00a0 When I decided to write about it, I realized that the source of the depression was PTSD, and that\u2019s an even bigger deal.<\/p>\n

PTSD is an enormous wrenching of the brain and nervous system. \u00a0When it happens as early as it did for me, before the brain and nervous system have matured, then it interferes with all further development.\u00a0 Because of PTSD I struggled with severe depression for most of my life.\u00a0 There were also periods of extreme anxiety \u2014 actually \u201cterror\u201d is a better word.\u00a0 Times of terror.\u00a0 From my alcoholic parents I had learned that everything I did was wrong, so not only did I suffer extreme and debilitating states of mind, but I made myself wrong for being that way.\u00a0 I also had no idea how to help myself or take care of myself.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know how to ask for help, except for seeing a therapist.\u00a0 For most of my life I didn\u2019t even know that it was PTSD that I suffered from.\u00a0 That understanding has helped a lot, but I have been working on healing PTSD for 15 years and it\u2019s hard to see that I\u2019ve made any real progress.\u00a0 In some ways, opening up the deeper layers has led to feeling more pain.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to feel so young and vulnerable.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to be alone, even more so now that I\u2019ve experienced the community of Kindred Spirits<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Another painful result of living with PTSD is that I\u2019ve created a good life for myself, and I\u2019m not able to enjoy it.\u00a0 I created Neskaya<\/a> because I wanted to have a place to do Sacred Circle Dance, and I made its foundational principle the celebration of diversity \u2014 something I learned from folk dance.\u00a0 Because of this, and possibly because of the energy I brought to it, Neskaya has become a place where everyone is accepted just as they are.\u00a0 Every time someone says that I feel surprised and delighted.<\/p>\n

PTSD also wrecked my marriage, first by making it impossible to be sexual, and secondly by keeping me from challenging my husband on issues where he had stopped supporting me. \u00a0I didn’t see them because I had learned that I didn’t deserve respectful treatment.<\/p>\n

No sooner had I posted this than a friend posted this to Facebook.<\/p>\n