(Written in June 2009)
\nWhat\u2019s coming up is how sad and frustrated I feel that I haven\u2019t been able to live up to my own standards of responsibility and integrity.\u00a0 I feel very sad that I had to leave Kayla to run Neskaya all by herself through the winter.\u00a0 I feel very sad and frustrated and angry at myself for all the things I said I\u2019d do and then didn\u2019t carry out.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t done so much of that lately because my experience this last winter brought home to me what my limitations really are.\u00a0 I feel ashamed of this, but my sense of integrity demands that I not take on things I can\u2019t carry out.\u00a0 I did manage to get Neskaya incorporated, and to apply for and get the 501c3 status.\u00a0 I bullied myself unmercifully to do those things.\u00a0 Either I burned out or else the trauma work I\u2019ve been doing has made me much more aware of the wounded part of me, and I can\u2019t bully her any more.<\/p>\n
After breakfast.\u00a0 Now I\u2019m feeling hugely sad, tears right at the surface.\u00a0 Not a clue as to what it\u2019s about.\u00a0 Maybe the stuff I read to Pat \u2014 about not being able to live up to my own standards, about not being seen, not having the pain and difficulty of my life be validated, not being able to believe that I\u2019m truly doing the best I can.\u00a0 The emotion gets stronger on that last phrase.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 DAMMIT \u2014 I am working as hard as I can, to take care of myself and do the work of healing Dammit Dammit Dammit!!! My doing my best has nothing to do with results.\u00a0 Feeling sad again today does not mean that I did something wrong, didn\u2019t try hard enough.
\nDammit, I\u2019m dealing with PTSD \u2014 Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.\u00a0 Like any veteran of combat, except that my flashbacks are not scenes from a battlefield.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in June 2009) What\u2019s coming up is how sad and frustrated I feel that I haven\u2019t been able to live up to my own standards of responsibility and integrity.\u00a0 I feel very sad that I had to leave Kayla … Continue reading